These are floating stairs in my son and dauther-in-law’s three story loft apartment.
I’m taking care of my daughter post shoulder surgery in the East Bay this week. I wasn’t quite prepared for how strenuous it would be. Mainly because I live in a big, flat house without a stair. My son and DIL have three stories that I find myself going up and down most of the day.
This spiral staircase goes up to the bedroom where my daughter is staying.
This is another view of the floating staircase above.
Needless to say, I was beyond tired the first day and stumbled home via Lyft to my Airbnb to fall asleep as soon as I got inside. The next couple days I got stronger. But I did sleep 10 hours last night. The very first night, my son ended up in the ER in extreme pain. He’ll be having surgery soon to repair a hernia. I’m waiting to find out when, so I can tackle those stairs some more.
My son put together a schedule for my daughter with times to take medicines, do her PT exercises, ice her shoulder, etc. It’s very complete and helps us stay on track and not let the day slide away.
My son also typed up a few of his own recipes for me to help them with their busy schedules. The Overnight Oats recipe is below:
Funny, I took care of my son five years ago for his shoulder surgery. I’m staying in the same Airbnb that I did then. I guess it’s my surgery digs. I have to say, I had a ton more energy five years ago and also, I wasn’t recovering post my ankle surgery. What a difference those five years made on my body. It was the COVID years, too.
Despite the unfortunate events that brought us together, I’m grateful for the time with my kids.
Do you notice a difference in your energy level or fitness from five years ago?
A few years ago we were visiting our kids in the Berkeley area. The weather was perfect and we went on a quest to see redwoods.
We walked through the woods in the Redwood Regional Park in Oakland with our kids and future daughter-in-law. We sat down on a bench and enjoyed a treat our son prepared for us. Brillat Savarin cheese, blackberries and crusty bread. It’s the first time I had tasted that cheese. If you have not tried it, it’s mild but the creamiest. I found this description online:
It is a triple cream soft-ripened cheese that is luscious, creamy and faintly sour.
We did find a few redwoods and it was such a peaceful place to be outdoors in a forest with the people I love.
After our hike, we went to Rockridge in Oakland to a cafe and window shopped. What a beautiful day with family.
Once at home, I searched for the cheese. I went to five different grocery stores and none had Brillat, including the expensive, fancy schmancy one. Years later, I was picking up vitamins I normally order on Amazon at Whole Foods. (For some reason, Amazon directed me to pick up my vitamins myself.) Wouldn’t you know it? I spotted Brillat Savarin!
What are a few of my favorite things? Spending time outdoors. Spending time with family. My favorite cheese that brings back those memories. Olive. And yes, “The Sound of Music.”
I was so looking forward to my kids’ visit. Now that they are gone, I’m in a bit of a funk. I figured it out when I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to leave the house for my morning walks. I can tell my husband is a little worried about me.
Unfortunately when my two adult kids, new bride and her brother were here, things didn’t go exactly as planned. We had a heat wave and since they all live in the Bay Area, the heat doesn’t agree with them. Then the AC went out their last night in the casita and DIL got very sick.
And I got scared!
She vomited for hours. They finally decided to pack up and leave. Once she was in the AC of the car, she felt much better. I worried about her health unlike anything I’ve felt before. I realized how vulnerable she is. How vulnerable we all are.
I’m trying to leave Funkytown. We’re headed on a weekend getaway to Mexico, which is a four-hour drive away. The beach always makes me feel better. In the meantime, I have a community newsletter to complete and will keep moving.
I’m back home and I feel so much better mentally than when I left. I was wallowing in grief after my mom’s sudden death. I found myself aimlessly wandering through our house, alternating between tears and shock.
The six days with my kids was like a healing balm or salve that my heart needed.
What did we do? I was busy with my son, making his pour-over coffee, overnight oats, grocery shopping at my favorite Berkeley Bowl. I walked Waffles, played Scrabble, went to lunch and shopped with my daughter on Fourth Street, enjoyed time with my son’s fiancee and family. They lost their father several years ago and I felt their empathy and understanding.
The mushroom aisle at Berkeley Bowl, my favorite grocery store.
I was busy most of the time, I felt needed, and I felt my mom is in a better place.
We watched good movies including Metropolitan and Nausciaa of the Valley of the Wind. The voice of the Princess in Nausicaa was done by Alison Lohman, who is a local Palm Springs girl. She was in my ballet class more than 25 years ago. I’m always interested in watching her movies.
The food in the Bay Area is so much better than in Scottsdale. We ordered in most nights because of the storm. We had Japanese, Korean, Mexican and take out from Berkeley Bowl.
My son’s charcuterie with cheeses, salami, prosciutto, blackberries, grapes, crackers and comb honey.
If you find yourself in a funk — not necessarily grief like I’ve been experiencing — how do you get out of it?
This photo is from last year’s Christmas in Santa Barbara.
This afternoon we check into our Palm Springs VRBO to celebrate Christmas with our two kids and our son’s girlfriend’s family. Also, my dad who is turning 91 in a few weeks lives close by. We’re going to be a smaller group this year due to two sisters in Europe and the mother not well enough to make the trip from the Bay Area. One daughter is staying home with her. All in all, with those not coming, we’re down five people. So our party of 12 is now seven.
Merry Christmas!
Who are you spending Christmas or Hanukkah with this year?
My son in front hanging on the lane line with his teammates.
Six years ago, I debated the question if there was a difference between letting go and losing control. If you’re a parent of kids who have flown the nest — or are getting ready to — you’ll recognize these feelings.
Take a look at what I wrote about this. At that point in my parenting life, I wanted what was best for my children and felt like I had all the answers. However, looking back, my kids needed to make their own decisions and find their own paths. It was time for me to let go.
As an empty nester, there are times I wish I had more control over my kids’ lives. I don’t have much anymore. I remember the days when they’d actually do what I asked. They believed the same way I did about everything including religion, politics and entertainment.
They watched the movies I’d check out from the library, and because I picked them out, they loved them. One day my son asked, “Mom, do they make movies without singing and dancing?” Yikes. I guess I was a little too into musicals. I am happy, though, that my kids got to experience that slice of Americana. Many millennials never learned the words to “On the Atchison, Topeka, and the Santa Fe” from “The Harvey Girls.” My aunt was surprised when my son invited her to watch a movie. She was expecting Disney or Barney. She was thrilled to watch “Meet Me in St. Louis” with him.
Back when I got to pick out the movies.
Somewhere along the line of those perfect days, I lost control. Today, my kids have their own opinions about religion, politics, and life in general that are decidedly different than mine.
For example, I wanted to tell my son to pursue a career in business or law. My husband and I sent him job openings in the Bay area where he lives. (FYI, We don’t want him to live that far away. We don’t like how expensive it is. It’s all wrong to us.)
Did he listen? He’s polite. Every time I texted a job opening, he thanked me and said, “that’s a good idea.” Then he did what he wanted. He applied to teach at one of the worst school districts where the standardized test scores were 2 in Math and 7 in English. (Those numbers are not out of 10, but out of 100.) He decided to teach — instead of what I want him to do — and in one of the most difficult situations possible. He thought it would be a challenge.
High school graduation speech.
I couldn’t stop him. He had to live his own life and learn his own life lessons. There’s absolutely nothing I could say about it. I needed to learn to let go since I had lost control anyway. I am proud that he’s an adult with his own dreams and goals.
The gang in Laguna Beach. Me and my good friend Elaine with our kids and a few more we took along with us for a beach day.
UPDATE: The teaching job proved to be more difficult than my son could handle. Issues included students who had no support in learning from their families. A counselor entered my son’s classroom and told the students they didn’t have to listen to my son. The final straw was when he reported a student for truancy and he learned the student was deported. He felt beyond guilty.
He’s been working for a tech startup for several years. He’s able to use his Math and English skills. The company has a good work/life balance and he likes the people he works with.
So much for mom and dad telling him what to do and what path to take. On the bright side, I’ve learned to step back and let my kids be who they are.
When have you questioned if you’re losing control or letting go? What difference do you see between the two? What situations in your own life made you realize it was time to let go?
My husband and I disagree about shaving Olive. She’s a long-haired cat and is shedding like crazy. Our kids are coming to visit us soon. Our son is super allergic. My husband thinks I should take Olive to a groomer and get her a lion cut. That it will help our son’s allergies.
I googled about shaving cats and it’s mostly negative. The sources said you CAN get a cat shaved, but it’s not a great idea.The hair protects cats from heat and cold. Their fur is their natural insulation. Getting shaved is something I know my cat will freak out about.
She’s a scaredy cat and doesn’t like anyone except for me, my husband and my daughter. When people come over, she hides. When we leave for more than a few days, she is boarded. Olive howls the entire few miles drive in the car. She demolished the cardboard carrier I bought at PetSmart with her claws and teeth. The employees in the boarding place were afraid to get her out of her “suite.” when I came to pick her up. I had to do it. Then the cardboard carrier collapsed as I walked to the car. It was a frightening experience for both me and Olive.
So, how do you think Olive will feel driving to a pet groomer, being around strangers and barking dogs to be groomed? Once she gets home I’m sure she’ll hide away for weeks. She’ll be super mad.
I think you can tell who has won the debate on whether or not Olive gets a haircut.
What are your thoughts about getting a cat groomed? Should we or shouldn’t we?
Olive at our old home where she was an indoor outdoor cat.
