Advice for teens and parents–be present in the moment

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Enjoying a moment in Seattle with my son.

I discovered some profound parenting advice in an online publication called the Montgomery Advertiser in a short column called “Parenting: Teach your teen to live for today” by Tom Tozer and Bill Black, Dads2Dads.

“Slow down, the future is always ahead of you

The future isn’t a destination. It’s not like arriving at school or stopping at the gas station. Your future is composed of intangibles — hopes, dreams and possibilities. The future urges you to keep moving, dreaming, changing and growing. Simply put, the future is that part of life that once you arrive, you’re still not there. No wonder it’s hard to look at and to answer that probing question: What are you going to do with your life?

“Young man, young woman, set your goals but keep them flexible. Evaluate them. Discard those you lose interest in and make new ones. Keep your options open. Now’s the time to try new things, to make new discoveries and prepare for sudden forks in the road. Welcome those sharp curves and U-turns. These detours help you evaluate the direction you’re taking. Relax.

“While you certainly want to set your sights ahead, avoid getting so wrapped up in plotting, planning and pursuing the future that you fail to enjoy the present. The future is a great place to think about, but the present is the best place to be.”

With my kids going through transitions in their lives, from childhood to adulthood, and not knowing exactly the path to what they want to be, I will share this article with them. So much of our lives are spent planning and preparing for the future. But what is the is future? (In reality, we go from point A to point B and that B becomes point A.) We never get into the future. We have the moment we are in and should try to make the most of it.

I do spend a lot of time reflecting on the past and anticipating the future, but I also take time each day to enjoy the now. How do I do that? By enjoying a moment out in my backyard, watering my flowers. Walking around my park each morning before I “start my day.” Spending time being with my friends and family—by putting my phone down.

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I took a moment to capture the beauty outside the pool at PAC 12s.

With my mom the past few days, I sat with her and we played hand after hand of cards. We whispered together playing Bingo and Laughter Yoga. (Ha ha ha -Ho ho ho. YAY! was the chant we learned and filled the room with belly laughs.) I stopped my life to be with her and be in the moment. With our son, he stopped his busy life last week to be with us and we enjoyed our moments together—whether we were at the pool watching the meet or taking a day trip to Pike Place Market, downtown Seattle.

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A wonderful day with my kiddos.

How do you enjoy the moment and get away from the planning and preparing for the future?
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Why your parents should play BINGO…and you should, too

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Mom and me in the early 90s.

When I visit my mom in Washington, I take her to Bingo on Sundays. She lives in an assisted living home and all her needs are met, but she won’t participate in the numerous activities offered unless I’m there with her. Unfortunately, I never can stay long or visit often enough to my liking–or hers. But, while I’m there, we have fun trying out whatever is on the schedule from Bingo to Laughter Yoga. We have fun with the group activities and also play cards for hours—especially our favorite game, called Demon.

I noticed while playing Bingo that my mom had to stay focused and alert to keep up with the caller (so did I!). When we went from two Bingo cards apiece to three, I noticed her working even harder. The caller was pretty quick and it wasn’t an easy task. I was thinking that Bingo must have some health and brain benefits for the elderly because I witnessed it first hand. I Googled it and yes, I found many articles praising the benefits of Bingo for the elderly—and all adults 40 and older.

In an article called “Bingo Brings More than Fun to the Table for Seniors” I discovered that researchers have verified the health benefits:

As it turns out Bingo is more than just a fun activity. Researchers have found that playing bingo has multiple health benefits for the elderly. It takes concentration – which improves listening and short-term memory skills and it promotes socialization – which is essential for seniors to maintain a happy and healthy lifestyle. So if your elderly loved one likes to play bingo, it can be an excellent way to promote mental, emotional, and physical health. This may be a good way to get your loved one motivated and interested in other activities.

Bingo is the American version of a game that originated as an Italian Lottery called “Lo Giuoco del Lotto D’Italia” that was all the rage dating back as far as the mid-1500s. When the game reached North America in 1929 it was known as “beano” but later renamed bingo after a caller yelled out “BINGO” instead of beano. Bingo is a big mainstay at local senior and community centers all across the US. Many fire companies hold weekly bingo to raise much-needed funds.

Cognitive Benefits of Bingo
With the concentration and listening skills it takes to play bingo, one’s cognitive abilities are sharpened. Who couldn’t benefit from that? Since the game requires alertness to hear the numbers and remember that information to transfer it to the cards they are playing, it improves memory. Researchers at the University of Southampton found that bingo players had better results in tests of memory, speed, and cognitive function than those who do not play the game, regardless of their age. Significant improvement in hand-eye coordination occurs with many seniors due to the speed required and the repetitive nature of the game. Even seniors with dementia issues have shown improvement. Using larger cards with larger and bolder type and a high contrast in color improve thinking skills and memory among patients with dementia issues including Alzheimer and Parkinson’s disease.

In The Guardian’s article called “Bingo calculations help elderly people keep their brains alert” they make similar claims:

Bingo makes you think faster than non-players and keeps you more alert into old age, a researcher told a British Psychological Society conference.

Julie Winstone, of Southampton University, said players were faster and more accurate than non-bingo players on tests measuring mental speed, the ability to scan for information, and memory.

Her research found older players even outperformed younger counterparts, suggesting keeping the brain active keeps it sharper for longer.

The finding came as no surprise to the National Bingo Association, which said the game was played by three million people with an average age of 49.

“The blue rinse brigade dominated it 15 years ago. But then it was taken up by celebrities Denise Van Outen, Elle Macpherson, Robbie Williams, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Bianca and Jade Jagger,” said Gloria Pattinson, an association spokeswoman.

In a blog called “The Social Benefits of Bingo” 
they promote the social benefits of Bingo:

One of the great things about games is their social benefits. It is not just about winning and losing, but the friendships and relationships you can gain from playing. Many would say that winning and losing is entirely incidental – the reason one plays something is for the friendships. Depending on how competitive a person is, will affect how they see this.

Some people don’t have an easy time meeting new people and talking to them. This is where a game comes in useful. Playing the game creates conversation. It is an ice-breaker and gives you the chance to get to know someone. This is why people say to pursue a hobby if you are looking to meet new people.

Bingo is no different from any other game. If you like to play the game, it stands to reason that you will also like people who play it. You already share a common interest and this can be the basis and foundation for a friendship. Of course, bingo can only do some of the work; once you get there it’s all down to you.

My prior experience with Bingo and the elderly was with my daughter. We joined a mother-daughter volunteer organization called National Charity League and Bingo was on our schedule. At a nursing home, our girls would wheel the residents out of their rooms to the dining room where the moms had set up Bingo cards and the cage with the balls. The girls took turns being the caller and sitting with residents, helping them place poker chips over the numbers on their cards. It was a neat experience and I saw firsthand how much the nursing home residents looked forward to their Bingo nights. Bingo was a bright light during an otherwise dull and empty week.

Okay, so I read my mom some bits and pieces of these articles. She likes Bingo, understands the benefits to her health—but will she go on her own? I asked the attendants to remind her when it’s Sunday at 1 p.m. so she can make it down the hall to the game room and play. But will she? So far, I’ve been taking her each time I visit for more than five years—yet she’s never made it on her own. I had the same conversation with the woman who leads Laughter Yoga and her daughter who is about my age, too. (Laughter Yoga is another great activity for the elderly and young alike.) Both the mom and daughter are enthusiastic about stopping by Mom’s room to ask her to join them. I’m not holding my breath that Mom will say yes to them. Then, there’s my brother and his family who could take her, too. But they enjoy taking her out, not staying in. How good is a simple game like Bingo that promotes socialization, fights dementia by improving focus and memory? I hope Mom makes it there!

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Selfie of Mom and me playing BINGO.

Have you had any experience with Bingo? Do you find it fun and beneficial for the elderly?

Emotions Running Amok During the Final Swim

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My two kids having fun at the PAC 12 Champs.

This past week, I experienced so many emotions, from numb to raw. It was the end of an era for us as our daughter experienced another milestone. I reflected on how much swimming has been a part of our lives. Since she was five and our son eight years old, swimming has been a common thread.

One of the biggest emotions I felt was pride. It’s amazing that through some tough times and disappointments, she stuck with it. Through illness and injury, she doesn’t feel she ever reached her full potential in terms of speed and success. In all honesty, she didn’t swim as fast as she potentially could have. But as far as success, she gained it in leadership, grit, friendships, and hard work. She learned that life doesn’t happen in a straight line upwards from one success to success, or joyous occasion to the next. There are tough times in between to make the good ones count.

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Swim moms at the PAC 12 Champs.

Our son was with us and he also felt so much pride in his little sister. He said watching the meet made him realize how much swimming meant to him and how much he’d like to be a part of a team once again. He decided to focus on music and academics and gave up on swimming before college. We were blown away by the races which included the greatest athletes in the world. We watched in awe as American and PAC 12 records dropped right and left at my daughter’s last meet. My son kept saying, “This is amazing that my little sister swims in the PAC 12.” He hadn’t been to a conference championship meet before to watch Katie Ledecky, Simone Manuel or Abbey Weitzeil, to name a few of the amazing athletes competing. Having him stay with us in a hotel room for a few days brought back memories of the many meets we traveled to as a family. I’m proud of him and the kind and considerate person he’s become and felt comforted having him by my side.

 

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Getting ready for the final swim.

I steeled myself against getting too teary-eyed—that’s where the numbness feeling crept in. The only time I had to wipe my wet cheeks was during the last 50 of her 1,650. The final race. I was touched beyond belief at the extent the other team parents went to honor the seniors and the parents—especially the moms. One created the most original, personalized necklaces just for us senior moms which lit up with red hearts pulsing with our daughter’s names and photos included. The rawness came in when I’d have moments of being overwhelmed by trying to keep it all bottled in.

A truly special week, which I’ll never forget. Thank you swimming–for giving our family so many memories together as well as giving us amazing friends.

IMG_0279What recent milestones have you experienced with your family?

Eight Thoughts About the First PAC-12 Championship Meet

It was February 28, 2015, when I wrote this. It was after the first so exciting college conference meet. In no time at all, it’s time for the last one. I can’t figure out where the time went. My daughter asked me today, “Why don’t you write on how to prepare for the last meet?” I don’t think you can prepare for it was my answer. You just have to experience it.

27750385_10216008558030578_2414009673401613488_n1.  I couldn’t believe the conference meet was here already. What happened to my daughter’s first year of college swimming?

2.  I was surprised by how easy it was to find a seat. Coming from age group meets that are crawling with kids and parents and you have to squeeze to get a seat, it was a pleasant change. However, it did get more packed as the days passed and always at finals.

The crowd at the PAC 12s.

The stands at the PAC 12s.

3.  I still get nervous before Kat swims. Maybe it’s even worse than before. Especially at prelims. I thought I’d get over that queasy feeling, hand-shaking, palm-sweating attack. But, no I did not.

4.  I wanted to spend a little time with Kat. But, she’s on the deck with her team, and we’re up in the stands with the parents.

That's me up in the stands looking down on my daughter.

That’s me up in the stands looking down on my daughter.

5.  I have met some great swim parents on our new team. Don’t get me wrong, there are great families on our club team that I’m lifelong friends with. I’m thrilled to meet parents on the college team that are friendly and fun, too. I guess that’s what swimming parents are like.

6.  It’s fun to cheer at the PAC-12 conference, hold up signs, and wave pom poms. Kat would have killed me if I behaved that way at an age group meet!

7.  Now that it’s the last day of PAC-12s, I’m shocked at how fast the days went by. Do I really have to wait an entire year to experience this again?

8.  Looking down from the bleachers at my daughter, I’m amazed at how much she’s matured this year. She’s happy and comfortable with her new family, her college team. She has grown independent from us and she’s doing really, really well. I’m happy and proud, but I’m wiping a few tears from eyes, too.photo 2 (1)

How do you handle milestones with your kids? From kindergarten graduation to the first prom, high school graduation and then college, the time keeps flying by.

Stirring the pot without trying

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An article I wrote yesterday, which I viewed as non-controversial, got some people stirred up. I wonder if people actually read my words, or if my writing was so far off that I failed to get my intended message to readers.

In any case, I guess it’s good to get comments, although several took me by surprise. I tried to express that we as parents are all different. In my early years as a swim parent and board member, I had expected everyone to be as enthusiastic as I was about being a swim parent and our team. Obviously, there are all sorts of parents and flavors and degrees of interest kids and families have. A few comments I heard from other swim parents years ago took me by surprise. I hadn’t realized how these friends viewed swimming much differently than me.

Throughout the years, we’ve had several head coaches. Some relied heavily on parents involvement and others liked to handle things without parents chipping in. Neither approach is right or wrong. And as parents, we had to figure out what level of our involvement was desired. As the kids got older, we helped out less and less. Yes, we fulfilled our obligations but being a board member or running swim meets no longer was required or desired. We weren’t on deck for every practice anymore but went for long walks during the kids’ practices. Talking to my son, he said he liked it when we were involved. That made me feel appreciated and good about the years we volunteered.

In any case, it was a pleasure and joy to be a swim parent, through the ups and downs. I don’t regret any days of it. I developed so many great friendships that will continue long after our swim parenting days are over.

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My daughter, best swim buddy and early coach.

If you’re interested, here’s a link to the article that stirred up so many comments: The Swim Parents I Couldn’t Understand. I’d like to get your feedback on it. too.

The last meet is coming

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PAC 12 2015

There I’ve said it. My daughter’s last meet is days away. It’s her senior year and her final meet will be the PAC 12 conference meet in Federal Way, WA. I’m kind of jumbled up on how I feel about it. I love being a swim mom and I find myself looking back on little moments with nostalgia and sadness. I will miss going to her meets.

My husband and I were browsing through the App called Meet Mobile this morning looking at different conference results from local schools where our children’s friends are swimming like UCSB and UCSD. I realized that I know a couple of the seniors’ names, but other than that there aren’t a whole lot of swimmers I recognize.

The past few years haven’t been all rosy. After a great freshman year, she got a high ankle sprain chasing after Trax, the public transportation train in Salt Lake City. That meant she couldn’t push off the walls for weeks during long course season and didn’t get her Olympic Trial cut. I think that was a devastating blow to her at the time, although it doesn’t seem like such a big deal now.

Then at last year’s PAC 12s, she got the flu. A really bad flu where the coaches didn’t let her swim or even out of her room until the final day of the meet. It was decidedly weird sitting in the stands for PAC 12s and not having a participant in the meet. Her last and only event she gave it everything she had. I was so nervous I thought I’d faint. I wasn’t sure if she was going to survive that mile-long race, but she did. Her coach said it was a “heroic swim” and he was so proud of her. It was close to a best time.

This year she’s been fighting through a bad shoulder injury. I worry if it was because she started swimming so young, so intensely or for so many years? What should I have done differently as a swim parent? Make her stop? Let her take time off?

She will take time off this year. But what I’m hoping for is next year, after my surgery and I’ve healed, that she will swim with me at a Masters meet–so I can be a swimmer and a swim mom all in one day.

 

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My daughter’s coaches and teammates cheering for her during the 1650 at last year’s PAC 12s.

Any bets on if I’ll cry at my daughter’s final college meet?

 

 

Why the bond between siblings is special

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My two darlings.

 

I’m thrilled that my two kids have grown into adults that truly like each other. It didn’t always work that way. Although most of the time they got along, there were those moments–jealousies, fights, and sometimes things got physical. Now that they’re in their early adulthoods, you can’t imagine how thrilled I was to hear my daughter say she and her brother talk for hours on the phone at night.

I remember when they were very young during summers at the beach, my son’s line to meet new people was to drag his sister across the sand and say, “You wanna meet my sister?” like that was the most outstanding experience anyone could wish for. When my daughter was interviewing for a coveted spot in our Catholic kindergarten she said over and over, “I’m Robert’s sister!”

They played countless hours together when we spent a couple months each summer at the beach. We had friends come and meet us and as the years went by they formed friendships through the swim team, both our home club in Palm Springs and the one in Orange County they dropped in on during vacations. But, mostly it was the two of them together to keep each other company. They’re as different as can be, but have that shared experience of being siblings.

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My and my big brother.

At one time in my life, my big brother was the most important person in my life. I was closer to him than my mom and dad—or best friend. In the mornings getting ready for school, we shared a bathroom counter space and a sink outside our bedroom doors. I would ask his opinion on my school outfit and would change several times until I could find something suitable to wear, with his stamp of approval. I looked up to him and when he was in high school and suffered an injury losing part of a finger during his summer job at our local pea factory, I cried for days on end. I felt it was the end of the world.

 

Throughout our adulthood, having spouses, children a decade apart in ages, and living a few states away, our relationship has almost ceased. I stop by to visit on my trips back home. But the busy years of work, raising kids, and being a swim mom make the trips infrequent. I don’t think we’ll ever have that special relationship as siblings back. But when I see him, I still feel the bond that we had for those years growing up together with our own Mom and Dad that no one else had.

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One of my favorite summers at the beach.

What special bond do you have with your siblings? How do you keep your relationships going throughout busy lives?