I wrote this years ago, when I was visiting my mom in assisted living near Seattle. After visiting Mom last week, I wanted to repost this.
Why is my daughter so annoyed with me?
I understand how she feels. After all, I was once 19 years old. I remember it very clearly.
When I was that age, everything my mom did, I found unbelievably annoying.
I’ll never forget sitting with her in the car, getting ready to shop at Bellevue Square. She had parked the car. She was fumbling through her purse, making sure she had what she needed. She reapplied her lipstick. Dug through her purse for her wallet to look through credit cards. Searched several times to check where she placed the keys.
Would we never leave the car? Would I be stuck all day? I must have said something to her quite snippy or flat out mean. A few tears rolled down her cheeks. Which made me more upset with her.
Isn’t it a sad feeling, transitioning from a mom who could do no wrong—from changing diapers, to cooking their favorite spaghetti, to taping treasured colorings on the fridge that were made just for you—to being the person of their abject disdain?
It’s a tough new role. Let me tell you.
But, having gone through these feelings myself, I understand. I’m visiting my mom this week in her assisted living center. I talked about it with her, what I’m going through now, and what I felt like when I was 19. Fortunately, she doesn’t remember me ever being a snarky 19-year-old.
For some reason, I’ve gained more patience throughout my life and that has been a blessing. I’ve also learned forgiveness.
Something else I’ve learned through years of parenting — this too shall pass.
It’s called independence and freedom. We want our children to grow and become separate human beings who can stand on their own. They need to separate from us. A good time to do that is during their senior year of high school, or their freshman year of college. They need to. I keep telling myself that.
However, we also want to be treated with respect, and once again—someday—to be cherished.
Have your children been annoyed with you? Do you remember being annoyed with your parents? What were the reasons why?
This was my lunch at Sushi Oto, where I used to go with my mom.
My mom wasn’t in her room when I arrived at her assisted living facility.
Her name was still on the door. Her things were inside. I took a quick roam around to the dining room and living rooms to see if I could find her.
I stopped at a nurses’ station and was informed that she was upstairs in “Skilled Nursing.”
My brother had told me that they were going to move her there eventually. He fought against it for two years. But I didn’t know they finally moved her. She had fallen several times, she wasn’t walking and she’s incontinent — so she went to the next level of care.
When she first moved in, she was in a two-bedroom apartment on campus that didn’t have help. Then she was moved into a studio room when she need more help with daily tasks.
I found her upstairs in the skilled nursing floor. The rooms are all the same. Two hospital beds with a curtain in between.
Her roommate came out from behind the curtain, wearing nothing but adult diapers. I mean stark naked except for pull ups. She spoke gibberish and my mom dove under her blankets to hide.
I went to the nurses station and said, “The woman in my mother’s room is talking to me and I don’t understand what she needs.”
“Oh, don’t mind her. She has severe Alzheimer’s. I’ll send someone to check on her,” the attendant said.
Two staff members came in and profusely apologized to me as the naked geriatric patient was standing at my side.
“Miss Helen, where are your clothes?” she was asked.
They moved her back to her side of the curtain and got her dressed.
My mom needs physical help, but mentally she is not as far gone as most of the people I saw on the skilled nursing floor. She has trouble with short term memory but enjoys laughing and has a great sense of humor.
During my last visit, we played croquet and I took her out to lunch for sushi. We played cards in the card room, went to Bingo and chair yoga. This visit, she demanded that I take her back to her old room. I told her if she could walk to the elevator, I would take her there. She walked about ten yards with her walker and said, “I can’t do it.”
What a reminder for me to get out and move. I’m heartbroken at how quickly my mom has aged since my last visit.
When our parents age, do you find it heartbreaking too?
I’m visiting my mom in the Pacific Northwest. This is what my phone blasted to me on my first morning when I woke up.
I’ve never seen a hydrologic outlook on my phone, nor an atmospheric river.
I’m staying with my BFF from college and I asked her what it meant.
She said, “Oh I hate this. It’s a huge amount of rain and flooding.”
I pictured the atmospheric river as a massive body of water running through the clouds above my head.
My friend also told me that she thinks the weather forecasters and meteorologists work too hard to find new terms for long-occurring events.
Here’s the rest of the alert I received:
I was pleasantly surprised to have cloudy skies with blue peeking through. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and such a contrast from the desert of Arizona. I love spending time with my mom, although she’s not doing as well as during my last visit. More on that after I have time to process my thoughts and emotions.
The drive to my mom’s assisted living.
I loved the light in the leaves of this tree at my mom’s assisted living.
What strange weather alerts have you seen? Have you heard of hydrologic events or atmospheric rivers before?
First thing this morning I rushed to see my mom. I called her last night to remind her I was here. The parking lot of her retirement community was cordoned off with yellow tape to force everyone to drive to the front entrance. I parked and got soaked in the pouring rain to get my temperature check for my one-hour appointment. Then I was instructed on how to drive around the complex to get to my mom’s assisted living building. They had installed barriers so nobody can access the community without first checking in at the main entrance.
Mom was so excited to see me, but didn’t understand the one-hour rule. I told her it’s because they only allow two visitors in at once, and they want to make sure everyone has a turn. I explained that I’d be coming back each day to spend the hour with her and we could leave and go for a drive to anywhere she wants to go. Today was pouring down rain and cold. She wasn’t interested in going outside. She didn’t sound enthusiastic about the idea for tomorrow, either, but we’ll see. She looked good and it felt wonderful to be with her in person after missing her since before COVID. We were all worried about her because her home is located a few miles from the one in Kirkland, Wash. that had all the deaths early on. They had an outbreak in Mom’s home, too, but she stayed healthy through the entire year.
It’s very strange to have only one hour with her, but I’m here for several days.
Pike Place Market is one of my favorite places to visit in Seattle. I’m thankful for the chance to go today. And for my friendship with my dear friend I met in college. It’s a treasure to have a friend you can trust, count on and share your deepest secrets. We may not talk to each other for a year or see each other for several, but once together, it’s like we’re still in our 20s and no time has passed at all.
Here are a few photos from Pike Place Market today — a day of rain, sunshine, hail and friendship:
When I visit my mom in Washington, I take her to Bingo on Sundays. She lives in an assisted living home and all her needs are met, but she won’t participate in the numerous activities offered unless I’m there with her. Unfortunately, I never can stay long or visit often enough to my liking–or hers. But, while I’m there, we have fun trying out whatever is on the schedule from Bingo to Laughter Yoga. We have fun with the group activities and also play cards for hours—especially our favorite game, called Demon.
I noticed while playing Bingo that my mom had to stay focused and alert to keep up with the caller (so did I!). When we went from two Bingo cards apiece to three, I noticed her working even harder. The caller was pretty quick and it wasn’t an easy task. I was thinking that Bingo must have some health and brain benefits for the elderly because I witnessed it first hand. I Googled it and yes, I found many articles praising the benefits of Bingo for the elderly—and all adults 40 and older.
In an article called “Bingo Brings More than Fun to the Table for Seniors” I discovered that researchers have verified the health benefits:
As it turns out Bingo is more than just a fun activity. Researchers have found that playing bingo has multiple health benefits for the elderly. It takes concentration – which improves listening and short-term memory skills and it promotes socialization – which is essential for seniors to maintain a happy and healthy lifestyle. So if your elderly loved one likes to play bingo, it can be an excellent way to promote mental, emotional, and physical health. This may be a good way to get your loved one motivated and interested in other activities.
Bingo is the American version of a game that originated as an Italian Lottery called “Lo Giuoco del Lotto D’Italia” that was all the rage dating back as far as the mid-1500s. When the game reached North America in 1929 it was known as “beano” but later renamed bingo after a caller yelled out “BINGO” instead of beano. Bingo is a big mainstay at local senior and community centers all across the US. Many fire companies hold weekly bingo to raise much-needed funds.
Cognitive Benefits of Bingo
With the concentration and listening skills it takes to play bingo, one’s cognitive abilities are sharpened. Who couldn’t benefit from that? Since the game requires alertness to hear the numbers and remember that information to transfer it to the cards they are playing, it improves memory. Researchers at the University of Southampton found that bingo players had better results in tests of memory, speed, and cognitive function than those who do not play the game, regardless of their age. Significant improvement in hand-eye coordination occurs with many seniors due to the speed required and the repetitive nature of the game. Even seniors with dementia issues have shown improvement. Using larger cards with larger and bolder type and a high contrast in color improve thinking skills and memory among patients with dementia issues including Alzheimer and Parkinson’s disease.
In The Guardian’s article called “Bingo calculations help elderly people keep their brains alert” they make similar claims:
Bingo makes you think faster than non-players and keeps you more alert into old age, a researcher told a British Psychological Society conference.
Julie Winstone, of Southampton University, said players were faster and more accurate than non-bingo players on tests measuring mental speed, the ability to scan for information, and memory.
Her research found older players even outperformed younger counterparts, suggesting keeping the brain active keeps it sharper for longer.
The finding came as no surprise to the National Bingo Association, which said the game was played by three million people with an average age of 49.
“The blue rinse brigade dominated it 15 years ago. But then it was taken up by celebrities Denise Van Outen, Elle Macpherson, Robbie Williams, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Bianca and Jade Jagger,” said Gloria Pattinson, an association spokeswoman.
In a blog called “The Social Benefits of Bingo” they promote the social benefits of Bingo:
One of the great things about games is their social benefits. It is not just about winning and losing, but the friendships and relationships you can gain from playing. Many would say that winning and losing is entirely incidental – the reason one plays something is for the friendships. Depending on how competitive a person is, will affect how they see this.
Some people don’t have an easy time meeting new people and talking to them. This is where a game comes in useful. Playing the game creates conversation. It is an ice-breaker and gives you the chance to get to know someone. This is why people say to pursue a hobby if you are looking to meet new people.
Bingo is no different from any other game. If you like to play the game, it stands to reason that you will also like people who play it. You already share a common interest and this can be the basis and foundation for a friendship. Of course, bingo can only do some of the work; once you get there it’s all down to you.
My prior experience with Bingo and the elderly was with my daughter. We joined a mother-daughter volunteer organization called National Charity League and Bingo was on our schedule. At a nursing home, our girls would wheel the residents out of their rooms to the dining room where the moms had set up Bingo cards and the cage with the balls. The girls took turns being the caller and sitting with residents, helping them place poker chips over the numbers on their cards. It was a neat experience and I saw firsthand how much the nursing home residents looked forward to their Bingo nights. Bingo was a bright light during an otherwise dull and empty week.
Okay, so I read my mom some bits and pieces of these articles. She likes Bingo, understands the benefits to her health—but will she go on her own? I asked the attendants to remind her when it’s Sunday at 1 p.m. so she can make it down the hall to the game room and play. But will she? So far, I’ve been taking her each time I visit for more than five years—yet she’s never made it on her own. I had the same conversation with the woman who leads Laughter Yoga and her daughter who is about my age, too. (Laughter Yoga is another great activity for the elderly and young alike.) Both the mom and daughter are enthusiastic about stopping by Mom’s room to ask her to join them. I’m not holding my breath that Mom will say yes to them. Then, there’s my brother and his family who could take her, too. But they enjoy taking her out, not staying in. How good is a simple game like Bingo that promotes socialization, fights dementia by improving focus and memory? I hope Mom makes it there!
Selfie of Mom and me playing BINGO.
Have you had any experience with Bingo? Do you find it fun and beneficial for the elderly?
For six years, my daughter and I volunteered through a mother-daughter service organization. We had a dozen places throughout our community where we could volunteer together—from 7th grade through her senior year of high school.
Some of the philanthropies we helped out were Guide Dogs of the Desert, Angel View Crippled Children’s Homes, our swim team and the Braille Institute. We were required by the service organization—National Charity League—to put in a minimum number of volunteer hours per year.
One of the funnest and easiest things we’d do is show up at a nursing home and play BINGO with the elderly residents.
I never thought much of it. It was something we’d do occasionally on a Monday night. My daughter would show up with her hair wet from swim practice wearing a t-shirt and shorts. On a big night a half-dozen other girls and their moms would volunteer to get out BINGO cards, the cage and set up seven or eight tables for the residents.
The girls would cruise the hallways and peak into rooms and ask if the residents wanted to join us for BINGO. The regulars would be waiting for us in their wheelchairs for their weekly game.
How did BINGO become so popular? Who invented the game? Here’s a link to a brief history of BINGO. I thought about what a difference it makes to the residents of that nursing home to have these young women escort them to BINGO. I never thought about it until last week—after visiting my mom in her assisted living home.
I took my Mom to BINGO for the second time this year. She’s had a blast both times. It got her out of her room. It engaged her mind. We had fun. She said “BINGO!” and won the first round. She had a smile on her face. She was excited to pick out prizes. She was interacting with other residents. Both times she’s promised to go back. But she never does. She’ll be sitting in her room again on Sunday at 1:15 p.m. in the dark, when she could be having another fun 45 minutes of stimulating her mind and getting exercise by walking down the hall and back using her walker.
I wish they had a group of young ladies that would peak into her room and plead for her to go.
My mom after winning at BINGO. She wanted a fresh glass of water, because “winning makes her thirsty!”
When my daughter was pushing a complete stranger in his wheelchair into the game room on a random Monday night with NCL, I had no idea how much it meant. Not only for my daughter—to learn compassion and think outside of her own immediate needs and desires—but also how much it meant to that elderly person. To get out, interact with people and have a little fun.
I wish we didn’t live two states away. I miss my mom. It was so good to see her so happy playing BINGO.