Category Archives: mothers and daughters

“I Don’t Have to, I Get To!”

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My hometown pool, for which I’m forever grateful.

That’s an interesting way to view the world. Instead of taking things for granted, take a moment to appreciate what we have. Flip the things you don’t want to do on their heads and be thankful you are able to do them.

Last Sunday, my daughter who is out of state at college, drove an hour from campus to my husband’s childhood friend’s church, CenterPoint Church in Orem, UT. My hubby’s friend from elementary through high school grew up to be a pastor. As a mom, I was thrilled that she took the time to go to church, visit family friends, and decided to do this all on her own!

Anyway, she texted, “This was just what I needed. The sermon’s message was ‘I don’t have to, I get to!”

I suppose that’s a pretty good message during finals week for any college student, right?

I wish I could have been with her and heard the message, too. I’m guessing it was a talk about our outlook. What an interesting thing to try out.

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Olive has an interesting viewpoint.

When I vacuumed today, I reminded myself that I don’t have to vacuum. I get to! I’m lucky to be in my home, pursuing my writing dreams—and I’m able to vacuum, too, whenever I want!

My best friend from college is here. Her dad is a snowbird (which means he lives in our valley for the winter months to enjoy our sunshine). She’s here to visit him because he suffered a stroke and is in the hospital. I bet he understands what I’m talking about — “I don’t have to. I get to.”

When I was my daughter’s age, I was hit by a truck at college. I was hurt pretty badly and laying in bed in the hospital, I didn’t care about the things I had been obsessed about the week before. I no longer cared about losing five pounds, or what my grade was on a paper. I really worried about being able to get out of bed and walk. I was instantly reminded of all that I took for granted. I was thankful to be alive.

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My daughter happy to be swimming for years.

Last week I wrote about how to encourage your kids to be more positive. You can read more about it here on SwimSwam.  I think the secret to having  positive kids is being grateful, thankful and positive in your own life. Most of what our kids learn from us is through our actions—not our words.

If your child is excited about going to practice–whether or not it’s swimming, ballet or a piano lesson–then they will love what they are doing. Or, we can tell them that “they have to go,” and the outcome will be less than pleasant for everyone as you beg, plead and threaten.

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My kids at a piano recital. They didn’t have to. They got to!

Rather than complain about what you have to do, think about how grateful you are for the opportunity.

“I don’t HAVE to. I GET to!”

Now That They’ve Gone….

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View on my walk, after they’ve gone.

It’s Sunday after Thanksgiving and I was so thankful to have my family together. My two college kids came home to be with us! I cleaned and shopped all week, preparing for the big event.

Now, they’re gone.

Some of my favorite parts of the weekend:

The four of us walked down Palm Canyon Drive on Thanksgiving afternoon, before we ate my home-cooked meal. I loved that. The kids were happy, we window shopped, laughed and talked. There were the traditional piggy back rides and racing around.

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Piggyback rides downtown.

Then came dinner and my dad joined us. He’s close to 84 and I’m thankful he’s close by and can share time with us.

I was getting tired after being on my feet for the past few days. I couldn’t help but look with jealousy at the weekenders coming in and picking up their mashed potatoes, gravy and stuffing off a fully stocked shelf at a local grocery store, Jensen’s. Too easy, but seriously? Would anyone care?

Some good moments we had were swimming at our team’s Friday morning practice–kind of together. Although the masters were separated from the kids, it was a shared experience. I had a first! I managed to push myself out of the pool without swimming to the stairs. Having to swim past my daughter and her friends’ lane, who were also home from college, would have been too embarrassing. So I did it!

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Feeling slightly short with my daughter.

My son and I shared music. He’d play a song and then I’d give him a name of one to play. We went back forth while we drove to Palm Desert and back. He loves folk from the 60s and 70s. He listens to Joni Mitchell and some artists I’ve never heard of, but I enjoyed. I suggested “A Song for Juli,” by Jesse Colin Young and Nicolette Larson’s “Lotta Love,” plus a few more. We appreciate each other’s taste in music. He also shared a novella by Edan Lupucki that was a gem.

We went healthy food shopping and he taught my husband and I how to make chia pudding. Hmm.

My daughter and I had a delicious breakfast out together followed by a pedicure. Wonderful time together to talk and be mother and daughter like we used to be.

The four of us took the neighbor’s dog to the park and tossed the ball while my son jogged around us. It felt so good to play in the park where we spent so much of their younger days.

But, now they’re gone and here I am once again–alone at my computer. I do enjoy the freedom to write and finish some projects. I love my kids and I’m  blessed that they want to come home and we spend time being together.

I said I wasn’t going to cry this time when they left. In fact, I was surprised at how strong I was. Until the door closed behind them.

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When they were young at the beach.

Now I Understand the Comment About “Unsolicited Advice”

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My kids

My kids

A few weeks ago, my daughter was telling me how she’d missed practice because she had a midterm and the time conflicted. Her coach wasn’t happy, she said.

“Well,” I said, “maybe you should call her and explain. Or, better yet, next time you’re going to miss practice, let her know in advance.”

“Mom, I’m telling you something. I don’t need your unsolicited advice. A simple ‘that sucks’ would suffice.”

I was offended. My feelings were tweaked, not exactly hurt. I thought, what is going on with her?

This week she called and asked for my advice about a sticky situation with a friend. I get it now. She had a problem she couldn’t solve on her own. She wanted my advice and then she would handle it from there.

In her dorm room getting settled.

In her dorm room getting settled.

My mistake has been offering advice when my perfectly capable, adult child is making her own decisions and finding her own way. She does not need her mom telling her what to do all the time.

This was reinforced again when she called with an issue with her university and paperwork for the fall quarter. I gave her a few suggestions of who to call, what to do.

“I’ve done all that, Mom. I’m just telling you about it.”

Yes, I understand now. She’s sharing the trials and tribulations in her life. She’s not asking me what to do. If she needs my help she will ask me.

With teammates after breaking the 8 and under 4 x 50 relay record.

With teammates after breaking the 8 and under 4 x 50 relay record.

I should be thankful that my daughter likes to share. That she can figure things out on her own. That she’s got a strong head and can handle the daily tasks of living in a house, paying utility bills, handling school bureaucracy, and getting a speeding ticket.

Welcome to adulthood! I guess a simple “that sucks” from time to time is all she needs.