Category Archives: anxiety

Speaking of crime…

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The entrance to our old home. Our homeless man, who believed he bought our house, slept on the steps.

The back yard, which had our front door, once you walked through the gate above.

Sometimes I miss my old home. We lived there for 28 years. I had my babies there and raised them until they went off to college. I never thought I’d leave. But then COVID hit and my husband worked remotely from the Master bedroom. I worked remotely from our son’s bedroom.

Prices were going crazy high because people were fleeing the big cities of San Francisco and Los Angeles. Our town offered more space and much lower prices compared to the city life. My husband believed it was time to make our move to Arizona.

When I feel like I miss the old homestead, I read my emails. Every morning I get a “Personalized Spot Crime” report for my old neighborhood.

It’s gotten so much worse since we moved three years ago in December.

Here are a couple examples from my inbox:

In the 28 years we lived there, we had very little crime. My bicycle was stolen from the carport, which didn’t lock at the time. We had a homeless man who slept on the steps of the archway.

Oh, we had someone break into the home from the hospital mental ward a few blocks away wearing his “robe” with a bare behind. My daughter was the one who ran into him in the kitchen. She was in third grade and named him Hobo Joe. My husband threw him out of the house and called the police. They caught him trying to enter the house across the street.

But through 28 years, those were off events. Nothing like the crime I see reported on a daily basis now.

The crime I see in my new neighborhood amount to javelinas destroying golf courses.

Once, after flying home from Seattle visiting family, I had to take a Lyft home. My husband had COVID. Anyway, the Lyft driver told me he was once a deputy sheriff in my neck of the woods. He said the number one crime was speeding. I sure hope it stays that way! It makes me appreciate my new home and where I live.

I had crime on my mind after a run in with the Mexican police on our recent getaway. If you missed it, I wrote about it HERE.

Is there crime in your neighborhood? Do you feel it’s gotten worse or better through the years?

When were you picked?

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Me and my brother, back in the day.

There was an article in the Lifestyle section of the Wall Street Journal that captured my interest. It was written by Rich Cohen and called:

We Never Really Escape the Gym-Class Draft

Does the childhood fear of being picked last explain our insecurities later in life?

For some reason, I was always picked last or second to last in PE — whether it was Red Rover, dodgeball, volleyball or anything. How depressing is that? I am somewhat athletic. I started skiing at age two. I could swim. I took ballet. Yet, my school chums saw me as someone they didn’t want on their team. I think it was my thick glasses. I was terribly near-sighted from birth.

From the article:

It’s the sort of alienation you experience in junior high school but feel forever. Being just another number among a pool of available picks, you see yourself, maybe for the first time, through the cold eyes of an appraiser. You are no more than a body in the mind of this person, an object with too many deficiencies to catalog: chubby, knock-kneed, weak-armed, timid, poorly coordinated, scared of the ball, slow.

You will also feel yourself, for the first time, trapped in a body, isolated from even your closest friends, of whom you might think: Oh, dear lord, as bad as it gets, as long as it takes, let me be taken before him.

What’s worse, you know that you’re being judged on all the wrong qualities, in all the wrong ways. Yeah, I’m slow, you think as round three gives way to round four. I can’t throw very hard, and I don’t move too quick. But there’s one thing I know how to do well: kick ass at dodgeball.

Apparently, this picking by your peers is no longer allowed. Of course most things that make kids uncomfortable is no longer allowed.

When were you picked? Do you think they should still allowing choosing teams by peers? Why or why not?

Friday Zoom Call

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This is where I sit and write in the casita.

Friday mornings I am part of a zoom call with about 20 people. We never have that many at once, but usually around 10 make the two-hour call. A friend of my husband’s asked me to join. He thought I’d be a good fit for the group. Why? I’m not sure.

Interestingly, there are only two women in the group — including me. Also, I’m the youngest by at least 10 years. The oldest is 101 years old and sharp as can be. Demographically, they are highly educated, successful individuals. There are two neurosurgeons, several attorneys, a guy who ran a bond desk, and another who ran a hedge fund. The other woman is a mayor of a Southern California town.

Then there’s me. A former stay-at-home mom, former PR employee with an undergraduate degree and current blogger.

What’s the purpose of the zoom call? To determine “What is the truth.”

We discuss current events, politics and religion. All the stuff you’re not supposed to talk about. Yet, with our contrary views, everyone is civil and we are learning a lot from each other. At least I am.

One of the things I’ve learned about is Israel and Judaism. The majority of the group visits Israel annually and are deeply religious Jews. My daughter’s best friend growing up was Jewish and I learned a lot from their family about Orthodox beliefs and practices. But this zoom call is giving me an intensive history education in the nation of Israel from several scholars and teachers in our group.

Needless to say, today will be eye opening reviewing the events of the past week.

God bless everyone! Have a safe and happy weekend.

The Wedding

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After ten years of being with the love of his life, our son made the big step called commitment.

The risk of losing Buff was right before his eyes. She was diagnosed with colon cancer and was facing surgery. They decided to get married before surgery.

We were on vacation in Santa Barbara. They had originally taken time off work to spend a week with us.

The wedding was scheduled in Berkeley at the courthouse. No way were we going to miss it. We booked flights from Santa Barbara to Oakland. The day before their wedding we got one of many calls.

“We both tested positive for COVID,” our son said.

Surgery was scheduled 10 days out, so thankfully Buff’s surgery wasn’t delayed. In the meantime, our son ended up in ER with COVID.

Surgery turned out much better than we anticipated. Big sigh of relief. I wrote about those days HERE and HERE. They said the longer the surgery took, the better the outcome. I was literally praying hour by hour. It was more than six hours, which was the best outcome possible.

Post surgery, they waited one week for pathology reports. We were sure everything was fine because surgery went so well.

My son called us — trying not to break down — that pathology was not good. Stage 3 C, which is a step up or down from Stage 4 (depending on how you look at it.) She has a 40% chance of being cured. Don’t want to talk about the 60%.

They had a window between surgery and chemo to get married. They kept the wedding small outside the Mendocino County Courthouse with their “pod.” We stayed home and I was weepy during their marriage. The next day I was filled with love and hope for them.

They got married with some of Buff’s family, our daughter and a few of their closest friends.

California-style, they had their wedding dinner outside at In-N-Out.

They spent their wedding night in Medocino County in a gorgeous VRBO on a river.

Here’s one more photo of love:

Decide how you feel

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A beach walk with my husband in the distance during our recent vacation.

I found a powerful article written by Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey in the Wall Street Journal called The Power to Decide How You Feel. I think it’s exactly what I needed to read.

Here’s an excerpt:

Feelings, in the enterprise of your life, are like weather to a construction company. If it rains or snows or is unseasonably hot, it affects the ability to get work done. But the right response is not trying to change the weather (which would be impossible) or wishing the weather were different (which doesn’t help). It is having contingency plans in place for bad weather, being ready, and managing projects in a way that is appropriate to the conditions on a given day.

The process of managing this weather is called metacognition. Metacognition (which technically means “thinking about thinking”) is the act of experiencing your emotions consciously, separating them from your behavior, and refusing to be controlled by them. Metacognition begins with understanding that emotions are signals to your conscious brain that something is going on that requires your attention and action. That’s all they are. Your conscious brain, if you choose to use it, gets to decide how you will respond to them.

https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/the-power-to-decide-how-you-feel-9550c0c7?mod=lifestyle_lead_pos4

The idea in this article is that we can separate our thoughts and view them as though the emotions are happening to someone else. What would we tell them to do? If they feel trapped in a job they don’t like, they can make a change.

For example, let’s imagine you have a job that is really bringing you down. Let’s say you are bored and stressed, and your boss isn’t competent. You come home every day tired and frustrated, and you wind up drinking too much and watching a lot of dumb television to distract your mind. Tomorrow, try a new tactic. During the day, take a few minutes every hour or so, and ask, “How am I feeling?” Jot it down. Then after work, journal your experiences and feelings over the course of the day. Also write down how you responded to these feelings, and which responses were more and less constructive.

Do this for two weeks, and you will find you are feeling more in control and acting in more productive ways. You will also be able to start seeing how you can manage your outside environment better, perhaps making a timeline to update your résumé and asking a few people for job market advice, and then you might actually start looking for something new.

Thinking about thinking, separating ourselves from emotional outbursts or feelings sounds like a positive approach. I do think journaling has helped me through the years to feel more grounded.

Have you heard about metacognition before? What are your thoughts about “thinking about thinking?”

Life as a worrywart

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A view of a cactus in bloom in a pot in our back yard.

I am a worrier. And lately, I have been overcome with worry. Not only because of my future daughter-in-law’s cancer diagnoses — that’s the big thing — but there’s also other things in my life that my worrying spills into.

What I have discovered is the anticipation or not knowing gets my anxiety into high gear.

Then when the “thing” is known — or it actually happens — I am in shock. I can feel my entire body shake, including my hands and even my spine. I spend some time in denial. Eventually I settle down, and face my new reality.

Acceptance slips in. It’s a part of my life. I can accept it. Until another drama, disaster or bad news hits, and then I live through the process again.

Then I go for a swim, pray and take a walk. It helps, but it doesn’t get rid of it.

Do you worry more about the unknown, not having information or do you worry more once you have all the facts and it’s not good news?

A close-up of the cactus in bloom.

Views and things on my mind

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Olive got into my suitcase while I was unpacking and began scratching and biting it. I got her message loud and clear.

After a week home, I’m starting to feel settled. It’s been a super busy week, filled with long to do lists. What is helping me avoid gripping anxiety is morning walks, a few swims at the YMCA and having Olive fall asleep on my lap.

I read an article about cancer the other day in the Wall Street Journal. I learned something new that I feel is valuable to share. Cancer runs in families.

The article was called “Cancer Runs in Families. Too Few Are Getting Tested.”

by Brianna Abbott:

Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider knew what her father’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis meant for his future. She didn’t realize what it meant for her own cancer risk. 

Steven Ungerleider’s doctors ordered genetic testing in 2022 to see if his cancer might respond to a new treatment. They found he had a mutation in the BRCA2 gene, which raises risks for cancers including pancreatic, breast and ovarian—and can be passed from parents to children. 

Ungerleider and her sister got tested and discovered they had the same mutation. 

“I had no idea that this was possible for me,” said Ungerleider, 43, an internal medicine doctor and founder of End Well, a nonprofit focused on end-of-life care. 

Doctors are recommending genetic tests to more cancer patients and their families. Testing costs have dropped, and the results are helping doctors choose newer targeted drugs and encourage relatives to confront their own cancer risk. 

“We can test you for dozens of genes at the same time, and it’s going to influence your treatment,” said Dr. Jewel Samadder, co-leader of the Office of Precision Medicine at the Mayo Clinic Comprehensive Cancer Center in Phoenix.

I’ve had cancer on my mind, obviously after my future DIL was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer and has undergone successful surgery. What this article told me is all too clear. In my DIL’s family several of her sisters were diagnosed and treated for cancer in their 20s and 30s.

I think it would be wise if you have had family members with cancer, to get tested, too.

Here’s more from the article:

Some 10% of cancers are associated with genetic inheritance, including the BRCA mutations linked to breast and ovarian cancer risk in the 1990s. BRCA mutations have since been linked to other cancers, and dozens more gene variations have been shown to raise cancer risks. 

Tests that hunt for these variations using blood or saliva samples cost around $250 out-of-pocket, down from around $4,000 a decade ago. 

Doctors have broadened guidelines for who should get tested, including all patients with ovarian, metastatic prostate and pancreatic cancer and some with colorectal and breast. Some are pushing for universal testing after some studies showed that around half of genetic cancer links are missed under standard testing guidance. 

https://www.wsj.com/health/healthcare/cancer-runs-in-families-too-few-are-getting-tested-4e14b8a6?mod=Searchresults_pos2&page=1

Here’s a beauty of a barrel cactus in bloom outside my window.

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This roadrunner found a perch to watch the quails in our backyard.

What are your thoughts about cancer running in families? Would you get tested if your parents or siblings had cancer? Would you recommend friends to have testing done?