Category Archives: anxiety

Panic attack

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This owl hung out in our tree for a week.

I had a panic attack last week. It was while driving home from the eye doctor with my husband. He had his eyes dilated so I was the driver. It’s a road I take several times a week. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But then I turned left too soon and found myself in a construction zone with cars rushing around me. I struggled to get back on the road and my husband told me when to go. I couldn’t see. It was a blind rush back into traffic.

After that, I tried to calm my breathing. My hands were shaking and sweaty. I don’t like the drivers in Arizona. They are way worse than California drivers. I ended up pulling off into a parking lot and taking a moment to collect myself.

When I tried driving, I panicked again. I haven’t had a panic attack in at least five or six years. I only have them while driving. I felt so bad about myself. My husband, thankfully, was very supportive and told me I was doing a great job. But I still had a low opinion of myself.

Then I saw an article on well-being called, “How to Calm an Anxious Mind” by Gregory Jantz, Ph.D., founder and director of the mental health clinic The Center: A Place of Hope in Edmonds, Wash.

He gave a list of strategies to regain peace:

Intentionally limit information intake

Choose to be thankful

Go against the frantic flow

Stop procrastinating

Set aside time for stillness and silence

Make a small change to alleviate big stress

Steer clear of negative people

Take a nap

Unplug for awhile

Write in a journal or notebook

Retrain your brain with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Stay connected to friends and family

Maintain activities that replenish you

Express yourself creatively

I like this list and there are a few areas I excel at and other I need to work on.

Do you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks?

From the list, what can you improve on?

I learned something new

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Pretty kitty
Olive hanging out on the guest bed.

During the weekend, I learned a friend was hospitalized, in ICU and intubated. It was because of complications of Cystic Fibrosis. I didn’t know she had that. In fact, I realized I knew next to nothing about the disease itself.

Here’s my public service announcement:

What Is Cystic Fibrosis?

Cystic fibrosis is a progressive, genetic disease that affects the lungs, pancreas, and other organs. 

There are close to 40,000 children and adults living with cystic fibrosis in the United States (and an estimated 105,000 people have been diagnosed with CF across 94 countries), and CF can affect people of every racial and ethnic group.

There are many misconceptions about CF. Learn the facts on our page, Dispelling Misconceptions About Cystic Fibrosis.

In people with CF, mutations in the cystic fibrosis transmembrane conductance regulator (CFTR) gene cause the CFTR protein to become dysfunctional. When the protein is not working correctly, it’s unable to help move chloride — a component of salt — to the cell surface. Without the chloride to attract water to the cell surface, the mucus in various organs becomes thick and sticky.

In the lungs, the mucus clogs the airways and traps germs, like bacteria, leading to infections, inflammation, respiratory failure, and other complications. For this reason, avoiding germs is a top concern for people with CF.

Today, because of improved medical treatments and care, more than half of people with CF are age 18 or older. Many people with CF can expect to live healthy, fulfilling lives into their 30s, 40s, and beyond. 

https://www.cff.org/intro-cf/about-cystic-fibrosis

Our friend is in her early 30s. I was shocked to learn from a doctor friend that people with Cystic Fibrosis often don’t make it to 40 years old.

Another thing I learned was almost as upsetting. There’s a new drug that is effective in treating Cystic Fibrosis, but costs $300,000 a year — without insurance. I’m not sure how much it is with insurance, but it has to be way too much.

Patient cost for Trikafta: more than $300,000 annually

Trikafta (elexacaftor/tezacaftor/ivacaftor) is a triple-combination therapy containing three CFTR modulators. These molecules can boost the functionality of the mutated CFTR protein in people with CF caused by specific mutations.

CFTR modulators are a relatively new class of medications for cystic fibrosis — the first such therapy was approved in the U.S. in 2012. While shown to be effective, these treatments come with a high price tag: The cost of Trikafta is more than $300,000 annually.

On the bright side, our friend is out of ICU, is going home and will live to see another day.

Do you know anyone with Cystic Fibrosis?

Were you aware that this disease is so severe?

Stress Dreams

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Sunset view from our neighborhood.

The other night, I dreamt I was at a golf course. There were tons of people I knew from my children’s elementary school. The clubhouse and first tee were packed. I was playing in a charity golf tournament.

I was so excited when I found out who I was paired with. JACK NICKLAUS! WooHoo. We were sure to win. I glanced around at the parents from my kids’ school with a smug look on my face. They looked back at me with shocked expressions.

When I grabbed my brand new driver, the grip was missing. The club was a foot too short and there was no way to hold onto it. There was a line into the pro shop, so I couldn’t get it fixed.

Jack and I waited for our tee time for three hours. Finally, Jack said, “I’m out of here.” FYI, he was really a kind guy and I had fun talking with him 😊

I tried to convince him to stay, but no luck. Then I woke up.

I told my husband about my dream and he said, “That’s a stress dream.”

It it was, it sure was a weird one. I have more common stress dreams. One dream is I signed up for a class in high school or college and forgot about it until finals. I have to take the test without ever going to class or studying.

Other dreams are I’m at a beach up on a hill and a giant wave crashes down on me. Or, I’m being chased by bad guys.

From PsychCentral:

What are stress dreams?

Stress dreams are distressingTrusted Source or anxiety-provoking dreams or nightmares that occur during your REM cycle, which is the stage of sleep when scientists think most dreaming occurs. They can be particularly vivid or recurrent.

While everyone’s dreams can be different, there are a few common types of stress dreams.

“Stress dreams happen to everyone, and, while they can be troubling, they’re not unusual,” explains Dr. Cynthia Briggs, a licensed clinical mental health counselor from Maryland.

What causes stress dreams?

Well, as the name implies, psychological stress is often behind this kind of dream.

After all, stress dreams are particularly common when you’re feeling anxious, stressed, or under pressure during your day-to-day life.

“Our brains are deeply imaginative and creative, and stress dreams are one way our minds process worries overnight,” she continues. “They are the leftover odds and ends we haven’t quite resolved during the daytime.”

Do you experience stress dreams?

Do you have recurring stress dreams? What are they?

Japanese garden, friends and fire

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The waterfall in the Japanese Friendship Garden is surrounded by hand-placed boulders. The largest boulder weighs 25 tons. The waterfall is 14 feet tall.

What a weekend!

Friends came from Palm Springs to visit the Japanese Friendship Garden of Phoenix. They asked if we’d like to go with them — and if they could spend the night. We said yes to both. I got the house ready, made dinner for them and the next morning we went for a walk and then the garden. We toured with a docent from Japan and it was breathtakingly beautiful and peaceful. (I’ll write more about the garden with photos on another day.)

We were enjoying lunch near the Japanese Garden when a neighbor called. I ignored it, but saw she left a voicemail. Then my husband’s phone rang. He walked outside to take the call.

Neighbors called to tell us a wildfire was in the preserve by our homes. They live around the corner and from their house, it looked like plumes of smoke were in our backyard, although they were a few miles away.

Photo of the Wildcat Fire from Tonto National Forest Service.

Take a good look at these photos. What a juxtaposition of events!

We said good-bye to our dear friends as they drove back to Palm Springs from Phoenix. I was a nervous wreck on our 45-minute drive home. Once we got on the 101 freeway we saw HUGE plumes of smoke. It did look like it was near our house. I frantically searched on my phone for news and discovered the Wildcat Fire was on the road to the lake — about five minutes from our home.

Once home, I got my “go bag” into the car, realized I had packed it in winter and I’d need cooler clothes. I thought about what I would really want to save if we had to evacuate and I put some documents and my mother’s flute in the car along with a gallon of water. I’m not quite sure why I packed the water, but oh well. It couldn’t hurt. Plus cat food and a bag of cat litter!

I saw my husband was packing his own go bag.

Here’s a list of essentials I found online for an emergency GO BAG.

I found an app that includes a map with our location and the fire, plus alerts called Watch Duty. I also signed up for evacuation notices from the fire department. We eventually went to bed, but I set my alarm for 3 a.m. That’s when the wind was forecast to change directions from blowing the fire away from us, to toward us. I was able to go back to bed after checking notifications and slept for a few more hours.

They are using a massive amount of air power to fight the fire. The fire started Saturday morning while we were touring the Japanese Garden. When we got home it was at 100 acres. When we went to sleep it spread to 5,000 acres. When I went to bed Sunday night, we were over 12,000 acres and zero contained.

Do you have a “go bag” in case of emergencies?

What would you pack in case of an emergency?

Photo from the Scottsdale Fire Department on the road to Bartlett Lake in the Tonto National Forest.

Four years ago…

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I wrote this post on April 7, 2020. We were living in Palm Springs and on shutdown. It was such an odd time. I’m not sure I really managed to get over it. I have more anxiety now than I did prior to COVID. I need more time to myself and less engagement with people outside our family. Those are just few things that linger.

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One of my favorite streets on my morning walk.

21 Days. Isn’t that something? My daughter came home a few days before we got the order. I’m so glad she made it here. She’s been a joy to have around along with her fur baby Waffles. We have plenty of room to have my husband, me and my daughter all working from home — together — yet apart.

Here’s a few thoughts I have about these strange days:

ONE
I go from super calm and productive to anxiety ridden from day to day.

TWO
I’m losing track of the days and the time. Twice I have woken up thinking it’s 6 a.m. and started the coffee only to look at the clock in the kitchen that reads 11:40 p.m.

THREE
My routine of daily three pages of writing, my three mile walk and Bible readings to start my day are more important than ever. All three help me stay grounded.

FOUR
I’m reading lots of good books. Sitting in my back yard in the sun reading is one of my favorite things to do.

FIVE
10,000 people have died in our country. My heart goes out to all the people suffering and losing loved ones.

SIX
We are now told to wear masks when we leave the house. I’m using a make-shift one from my quilting supplies. It’s hard to breathe during my morning walks, though, and my glasses fog up.

SEVEN
My writing jobs are completed and turned in and now I’m in uncharted territory without every minute of my day focused on meeting deadlines.

EIGHT
My daughter and I cleaned and organized the food cupboards and the laundry room. It feels good to have clean spaces.

NINE
I’m reaching out to family via phone and email. It’s important to stay in touch with your loved ones.

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My new morning walk look.

What are your thoughts about sheltering in place during the pandemic?

What things have lingered into your life now from four years ago?

Travel and sickness

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Pretty kitty
Olive hanging out on the guest bed. The bedding was my daughter’s growing up.

Yesterday was my son’s birthday. I was going to repost my son’s birthday story, where he asked to have 50 kids for his second grade birthday party. We had adopted Angus, our yellow lab, from Guide Dogs of the Desert the year before. I wrote about his birthday party in honor of Angus where our son asked for donations to Guide Dogs instead of presents. He raised $1,600. You can read the story HERE.

I remember our family driving to Guide Dogs to meet Angus. I was nervous about the dog and after we had him in the car, I ran back into the office to ask if I could bring him back — if he didn’t work out. The woman looked at me like I was crazy.

Then she said, “Here are his medical records.” I looked at the paperwork and noticed Angus shared the same birthday with my son. I realized that was it. There was no going back.

We loved Angus until after my son went off to college. My daughter was a junior in high school when we had to say good-bye.

When I looked at my posts from last year, I discovered I had COVID this week in 2023. I had traveled to Washington state to spread my mom’s ashes on her birthday and got sick.

Last week, I got sick after my trip to Santa Barbara which I planned for my mom’s birthday. I’m very stuffed up, have a low-grade fever and I’m achy. I can’t stand being sick and this is my second bug since Christmas. Strange that every time I travel, I seem to get sick.

This current bug was because a woman who was on our tour by shuttle bus sneezed and coughed on us. Why she didn’t bow out of activities and stay in the gorgeous hotel was beyond me. I would have.

Actually, I never got sick traveling to Mexico by car. It’s only when I fly somewhere. In Puerto Penasco, our beach get away four hours south, we eat meals outdoors, we stay in a condo and we’re apart from other people. However, I read that last week they found seven bodies outside of town all shot. They were all men, wearing military gear and our government identified them as cartel members. So, no Mexico for me right now.

Do you get sick after traveling? Or is it just me?

What do you think of people who won’t stay home when they’re sick?

Good News!

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This is my family with our daughter-in-law’s family during a Christmas week vacation together in Santa Barbara during a prior year. We were only missing one sister, Maggie, who was at grad school at Cambridge.

I’m sharing wonderful news. My son and daughter-in-law called on their way home from the oncologist. Buff had her first scan since her six-months of chemo ended without major problems and side effects.

Buff has a clean bill of health and feels terrific!

She will receive scans every three months for the next two years, then every six months for the following three years.

It’s been a worrisome, stressful time since Buff’s initial diagnosis of Stage 3C colon cancer, surgery and chemo. I feel relief like our entire family has turned the corner — because our daughter-in-law Buff is doing so well. Hopefully, the newlyweds will have clear sailing from now on throughout their future. I wrote about the day of her surgery HERE.

I’d like to hear more good news! What good news do you have to share?

Ave Maria was played Christmas night by two of Buff’s sisters, Allie and Christy, during the vacation in the photo above. They’re both professional musicians. I’m so grateful to have enjoyed their private concerts and I hope there are many more to come!