Monthly Archives: September 2023

Decide how you feel

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A beach walk with my husband in the distance during our recent vacation.

I found a powerful article written by Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey in the Wall Street Journal called The Power to Decide How You Feel. I think it’s exactly what I needed to read.

Here’s an excerpt:

Feelings, in the enterprise of your life, are like weather to a construction company. If it rains or snows or is unseasonably hot, it affects the ability to get work done. But the right response is not trying to change the weather (which would be impossible) or wishing the weather were different (which doesn’t help). It is having contingency plans in place for bad weather, being ready, and managing projects in a way that is appropriate to the conditions on a given day.

The process of managing this weather is called metacognition. Metacognition (which technically means “thinking about thinking”) is the act of experiencing your emotions consciously, separating them from your behavior, and refusing to be controlled by them. Metacognition begins with understanding that emotions are signals to your conscious brain that something is going on that requires your attention and action. That’s all they are. Your conscious brain, if you choose to use it, gets to decide how you will respond to them.

https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/the-power-to-decide-how-you-feel-9550c0c7?mod=lifestyle_lead_pos4

The idea in this article is that we can separate our thoughts and view them as though the emotions are happening to someone else. What would we tell them to do? If they feel trapped in a job they don’t like, they can make a change.

For example, let’s imagine you have a job that is really bringing you down. Let’s say you are bored and stressed, and your boss isn’t competent. You come home every day tired and frustrated, and you wind up drinking too much and watching a lot of dumb television to distract your mind. Tomorrow, try a new tactic. During the day, take a few minutes every hour or so, and ask, “How am I feeling?” Jot it down. Then after work, journal your experiences and feelings over the course of the day. Also write down how you responded to these feelings, and which responses were more and less constructive.

Do this for two weeks, and you will find you are feeling more in control and acting in more productive ways. You will also be able to start seeing how you can manage your outside environment better, perhaps making a timeline to update your résumé and asking a few people for job market advice, and then you might actually start looking for something new.

Thinking about thinking, separating ourselves from emotional outbursts or feelings sounds like a positive approach. I do think journaling has helped me through the years to feel more grounded.

Have you heard about metacognition before? What are your thoughts about “thinking about thinking?”

Life as a worrywart

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A view of a cactus in bloom in a pot in our back yard.

I am a worrier. And lately, I have been overcome with worry. Not only because of my future daughter-in-law’s cancer diagnoses — that’s the big thing — but there’s also other things in my life that my worrying spills into.

What I have discovered is the anticipation or not knowing gets my anxiety into high gear.

Then when the “thing” is known — or it actually happens — I am in shock. I can feel my entire body shake, including my hands and even my spine. I spend some time in denial. Eventually I settle down, and face my new reality.

Acceptance slips in. It’s a part of my life. I can accept it. Until another drama, disaster or bad news hits, and then I live through the process again.

Then I go for a swim, pray and take a walk. It helps, but it doesn’t get rid of it.

Do you worry more about the unknown, not having information or do you worry more once you have all the facts and it’s not good news?

A close-up of the cactus in bloom.

Views and things on my mind

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Olive got into my suitcase while I was unpacking and began scratching and biting it. I got her message loud and clear.

After a week home, I’m starting to feel settled. It’s been a super busy week, filled with long to do lists. What is helping me avoid gripping anxiety is morning walks, a few swims at the YMCA and having Olive fall asleep on my lap.

I read an article about cancer the other day in the Wall Street Journal. I learned something new that I feel is valuable to share. Cancer runs in families.

The article was called “Cancer Runs in Families. Too Few Are Getting Tested.”

by Brianna Abbott:

Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider knew what her father’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis meant for his future. She didn’t realize what it meant for her own cancer risk. 

Steven Ungerleider’s doctors ordered genetic testing in 2022 to see if his cancer might respond to a new treatment. They found he had a mutation in the BRCA2 gene, which raises risks for cancers including pancreatic, breast and ovarian—and can be passed from parents to children. 

Ungerleider and her sister got tested and discovered they had the same mutation. 

“I had no idea that this was possible for me,” said Ungerleider, 43, an internal medicine doctor and founder of End Well, a nonprofit focused on end-of-life care. 

Doctors are recommending genetic tests to more cancer patients and their families. Testing costs have dropped, and the results are helping doctors choose newer targeted drugs and encourage relatives to confront their own cancer risk. 

“We can test you for dozens of genes at the same time, and it’s going to influence your treatment,” said Dr. Jewel Samadder, co-leader of the Office of Precision Medicine at the Mayo Clinic Comprehensive Cancer Center in Phoenix.

I’ve had cancer on my mind, obviously after my future DIL was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer and has undergone successful surgery. What this article told me is all too clear. In my DIL’s family several of her sisters were diagnosed and treated for cancer in their 20s and 30s.

I think it would be wise if you have had family members with cancer, to get tested, too.

Here’s more from the article:

Some 10% of cancers are associated with genetic inheritance, including the BRCA mutations linked to breast and ovarian cancer risk in the 1990s. BRCA mutations have since been linked to other cancers, and dozens more gene variations have been shown to raise cancer risks. 

Tests that hunt for these variations using blood or saliva samples cost around $250 out-of-pocket, down from around $4,000 a decade ago. 

Doctors have broadened guidelines for who should get tested, including all patients with ovarian, metastatic prostate and pancreatic cancer and some with colorectal and breast. Some are pushing for universal testing after some studies showed that around half of genetic cancer links are missed under standard testing guidance. 

https://www.wsj.com/health/healthcare/cancer-runs-in-families-too-few-are-getting-tested-4e14b8a6?mod=Searchresults_pos2&page=1

Here’s a beauty of a barrel cactus in bloom outside my window.

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This roadrunner found a perch to watch the quails in our backyard.

What are your thoughts about cancer running in families? Would you get tested if your parents or siblings had cancer? Would you recommend friends to have testing done?

A parenting tip from Ireland

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A photo from the river at Graignamanagh that I took during our trip to Ireland years ago.

Here’s an interesting bit of news:

Parents in a town in Ireland came together to voluntarily ban smartphones for kids as old as 13 by Zoe Rosenberg in a publication called Insider.

I think this is an excellent idea and if I could go back in time, I’d have waited to give our daughter an iphone. We did wait with our son because he was three years older — and smart phones weren’t a thing yet.

But by the time my daughter was in third or fourth grade, a few of her friends were using smartphones. I remember changes at swim meets — before and after smartphones. When the kids were young and nobody had phones, the high school kids played card games with the little ones. They also played “Catch Phrase” and made up word games.

When my daughter was in high school, the middle school and high school kids were no longer talking or laughing. They sat, staring at their screens. I found out later that a lot bullying was going on between the girls — sitting a few feet apart — on their phones.

Here’s an excerpt from the story:

  • Parents in Greystones, Ireland, have implemented a smartphone ban for primary school-aged kids.
  • The ban is voluntary, but parents said it reached a critical mass that makes enacting it easier.
  • The pact seeks to curb anxiety and exposure to unsuitable material, and has won support nationally.

Some kids in Greystones, Ireland, may have to wait until their teen years to partake in the latest viral dance craze, thanks to a voluntary ban on smartphones that has won the support of many area parents.

The Guardian reported that parents in the coastal town, about a 45-minute drive south of Dublin, have joined together to implement the ban that seeks to bar smartphone usage until kids reach secondary school, typically at the age of 12 or 13.

The hope is that the ban will help prolong childhood by lessening the anxiety and exposure to adult materials that smartphone usage often eggs on. 

https://www.businessinsider.com/voluntary-smartphone-ban-for-kids-ireland-town-greystones-2023-6?op=1

Not only has smartphone use in toddlers and children been linked to slower brain development, it also has increased anxiety and depression in teens. Not all parents are for the ban, and they aren’t required to follow it. But a large enough population of parents support it to make it effective. I guess parents don’t like to be the “odd one out.”

I think my kids would tell you that I had no problem being strict and saying no. But when it came to the iphone, I had no idea that it was harmful. It was fairly new for kids to have, and it seemed perfect to communicate with them. We started off with Tracphones with no smart features and prepaid minutes when they went to swim camp at USC. Eventually, they got their iphones.

I wrote about families in the Silicon Valley who ban screens for their kids. They are working for the tech companies, and I felt they must know something that we weren’t aware of. You can read that story HERE.

What are your thoughts about bans on smartphones for children?

Things are going haywire

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After posting photos of all the gorgeous houses on the beach, I’m sharing the house we’ve rented each summer since 2018. It’s a three-block walk downhill to the beach. Behind the yellow front door is the bedroom. Upstairs is the living room, kitchen and bathroom. I think it’s cozy and cute.

We made the drive home from Santa Barbara to Arizona in eight hours. We left in the wee hours of the morning and we’re both exhausted. Kitty Olive was so glad to see us. The cat sitter took good care of her and left notes like “Olive was lonely so I petted her for 20 minutes and turned on classical music.”

Once home, I ran into all sorts of weird snafus. The lamp on my nightstand collapsed at the neck where the light bulb is. Then I couldn’t get my Bird Buddy (AI bird feeder) to charge after bringing the camera unit inside while we were out of town. Then I tried to log into my Cox app on my phone to view the outside camera — and it logged me out — and won’t let me log back in. I tried resetting the password. Nothing worked. Not even our cable TV.

I received money via Venmo and I tried to transfer the money, only to get a message that Venmo wasn’t available in my area.

My husband snapped at me over something minor. I realized we are both tired and I gracefully accepted his apology.

Everything is going haywire. It’s like our house is upset we left it alone for three weeks. The electronics are rebelling.

I decided to focus on my reactions. I can’t control many of the issues surrounding me. But I can control how I react. I closed my eyes and pretended I was sitting on the beach listening to waves.

Here are a few more photos:

The kitchen of the house we rented. I love the shabby chic decor.

The view from the patio with barbecue and table. Perfect except for electrical lines.

The cottage we rented in Laguna Beach for at least 15 years while our kids were growing up. That’s our beloved Angus on the front porch (RIP). Can you see why I’m a beach cottage fan?

How do you react when electronics seem to be working against you? What do you do to control your reaction when things seem out of control?

My favorite beach houses

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My favorite house on the beach where we walk each morning and evening.

Part of the enjoyment of our beach walks is looking at the houses — as well as at waves, dolphins and an occasional seal. I’m sharing some of my favorite homes, from mansions to cottages. I notice workers washing windows and gardeners working in the yards — but I rarely see people who live there.

I like the house above the best because the architectural style is similar to the house I grew up in. Lots of large glass windows, angles and shake shingles — a contemporary style from the 1970s. I also love this house because it’s private and not too showy. Then there is the tree:

The tree makes the house.

This stately home must have stunning views from the multiple decks.

Another magnificent home with lush landscaping.

I love the contemporary look of this home and the expanse of windows. They scalped the lawn yesterday, which I didn’t know was a “thing” in Santa Barbara. In Palm Springs, lawns are scalped each fall to plant Winter Rye. In the heat of late Spring, the Winter Rye dies and Bermuda Grass, which is dormant in the winter, grows back.

I like the simplicity of this A frame.

Look what is and has happened around this sweet cottage below? Last year there was a cottage next to it, but now there’s a huge crane making tons of noise.

When you get near the parking lot, the homes are smaller and closer together. There are still some cottages left, that haven’t been torn down to build modern monstrosities. This is one of my favorite cottages.

I hope you enjoyed my beach home tour!

If you owned a beach house, what style would it be? Beach cottage, White House replica, contemporary or modern?