What do you think about unsolicited advice?

My kids

My kids

I wrote this post about unsolicited advice several years ago. Yesterday, I failed once again in the area of butting into my children’s lives where I wasn’t invited. My daughter is at working and I chimed in on “how I would do it.” She didn’t take kindly to my unsolicited advice. She wasn’t snarky or mean–she’s a grown up now.

A few hours later, I realized what I had done. I was giving my daughter unsolicited advice on how to do her job! And she’s doing great at it. I thought about what the outcomes could be for me butting in. One, she could feel insecure about what she’s doing. She could second-guess herself. Two, she could be annoyed as heck at me! I could be harming our relationship. I apologized and said I was sincerely sorry. Here’s the story I wrote a few years ago about unsolicited advice. Obviously, I’m still working on it.

A few weeks ago, my daughter was telling me how she’d missed practice because she had a midterm and the time conflicted. Her coach wasn’t happy, she said.

“Well,” I said, “maybe you should call her and explain. Or, better yet, next time you’re going to miss practice, let her know in advance.”

“Mom, I’m telling you something. I don’t need your unsolicited advice. A simple ‘that sucks’ would suffice.”

I was offended. My feelings were tweaked, not exactly hurt. I thought, what is going on with her?

This week she called and asked for my advice about a sticky situation with a friend. I get it now. She had a problem she couldn’t solve on her own. She wanted my advice and then she would handle it from there.

In her dorm room getting settled.

In her dorm room getting settled.

My mistake has been offering advice when my perfectly capable, adult child is making her own decisions and finding her own way. She does not need her mom telling her what to do all the time.

This was reinforced again when she called with an issue with her university and paperwork for the fall quarter. I gave her a few suggestions of who to call, what to do.

“I’ve done all that, Mom. I’m just telling you about it.”

Yes, I understand now. She’s sharing the trials and tribulations in her life. She’s not asking me what to do. If she needs my help she will ask me.

With teammates after breaking the 8 and under 4 x 50 relay record.

With teammates after breaking the 8 and under 4 x 50 relay record.

I should be thankful that my daughter likes to share. That she can figure things out on her own. That she’s got a strong head and can handle the daily tasks of living in a house, paying utility bills, handling school bureaucracy, and getting a speeding ticket.

Welcome to adulthood! I guess a simple “that sucks” from time to time is all she needs.

How do you handle unsolicited advice when someone offers some to you?