Category Archives: Graduation

Are We Suffering from Too Much Graduation Glory?

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csfI think we’re getting carried away with end-of-the year activities.

My daughter graduates high school in 14 days. Between graduation and today, we have no less than 8 events on the calendar to celebrate high school graduation. There is Baccalaureate, Senior Brunch, Senior Presents, Latin Awards, Swim Banquet, California Scholarship Banquet, etc., etc. You get the picture. Before this week, we had Senior Awards, Grad Night, ad nausea.

Am I missing something? Aren’t we overdoing this a tad bit? It is just high school, after all.

Back in the day — the late 70s — we had graduation followed by a party. Period. And our party was held at the local Grange.  

imgresWhat’s a Grange you ask? Here’s the definition. It’s a hall out in the middle of nowhere.

On the phone with my aunt last night, I was telling her how busy and crazy the next two weeks are with graduation activities. 

“Her life is just one big celebration,” my aunt said.

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Yep. One big celebration. We started this road with graduation ceremonies from preschool, kindergarten and 8th grade. My son’s 8th grade class of 25 students at a Catholic school spent more than $25,000 for grad night at the local Hilton. It looked more like a wedding reception than graduation with sash covered tables, roses for each woman, photographer, magician and DJ. 

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Exactly who was this night for? The 13 year-olds with pimples? Or the moms?

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We had a class vote and the kids wanted a pool party or a picnic outdoors. But the moms won and we had the 8th grade grande graduation gala — plus the pool party and picnic.

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I’m curious what will become of these kids that are used to glory at every turn — from a trophy for every little leaguer — to a ribbon for each kid in the spelling bee. I have a sinking feeling it won’t be good.

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Photos from top: My son’s CSF banquet with friends. A Grange. My daughter’s Senior Prom. Kindergarten Graduation. Pre-K Graduationn. Kindergarten Graduation. And Me — graduating.

Are Name Brand Colleges Worth It?

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images-1This week kids are making last minute college decisions. Some are waiting on waiting lists to see if they get into their dream schools.

It reminds me of my son’s senior year. He applied to top tier big-name schools. He had high SATs, was valedictorian, an athlete, musician and school leader. We had visions of him having to make the tough choice between Harvard, Columbia, Stanford and Yale.

252950_178347325554945_2205981_nWhen he didn’t get into any of the big name schools, he was devastated. His disappointment came in part from his high school teachers. They looked down at the school that accepted him and felt he should have gone to a more prestigious school. How is a teenager able understand that his teachers don’t always have the best answers? My husband and I were sad for our son, but strangely relieved. How much is a brand name college worth? Is it worth $65,000 per year? $260,000 for four years?

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There are plenty of articles that take on one side or another of whether or not a brand name school is better than a state school.

In the end, my son went to the school that accepted him. He was sorely disappointed at first, but soon learned that there was plenty of education at the state school. It was downright challenging! Like most things in life, you get out of school what you put into it.

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I went to a state school, many of my friends and family went to state schools — and we managed to be content, happy and successful. From my cousin, who’s published numerous novels, to a high school friend that reached the top echelons of Nordstrom executives, to my brother who retired with millions in his 30s after a career at the top of huge corporation — they all went to state schools.

Education comes down to the individual  — the effort and choices made while in college — regardless of the school.

I wrote about College Costs —  a Lot! It does. Even for a state school, it can be plenty pricey. In California, the average cost of a UC school is $30,000 a year. For anyone, that’s expensive! Choose a school that fits your budget, offers your child’s area of study, and is a good fit for them academically.

If our son had been accepted into Stanford, rather than deferred, I wonder what we would have chosen for him? I’m thankful now that we didn’t have to make that choice.

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Top Five Things Parents Need to Know — When their Kids Go Off to College

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(Photo from the University of Washington, my alma mater.)

I’ve written about the top 10 things kids need to know before leaving for college. But, what about us? When our kids leave, it’s a drastic change in our lives.

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(View from dorms at UCSB.)

I remember driving my son to Santa Barbara and moving him into his dorm room. It was a big day for our family. I was excited, so happy for him. I was thrilled that he was ready to embrace his future. Personally, I loved college. It was a time in my life that I felt free, grown up, independent and ready to take on the world. I could identify with what my first born was going to experience.

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(The day we dropped Robert off at college.)

But, then we said our good-byes. It hit. Like a punch in the stomach. Then, the tears. Oh, my! I wasn’t expecting that. The drive home, my younger child, age 15, looked at me in horror. I was falling apart. Thank goodness for her riding in the car with me. I probably would have wailed like a complete idiot without her staring at me.

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(My son on our friend’s sailboat during orientation weekend.)

Now, I have a few months left before I face a totally empty nest. What did I learn the first time around to prepare me for this time?  I wish I knew some secret to make it easier.

During orientation, UCSB gave parents a few tips on how to parent your college kid. This is what I remember:

1. Give them space. Don’t hover, don’t call too often, never call before 10 a.m.

2. Set up a time to make calls on a weekly basis — and not more often than that.

3. Expect them to get homesick. It’s natural they will miss home-cooked meals, their own room, their friends, pets, and you!  Reassure them that this is normal. They tend to get homesick around six to eight weeks. It will get better. They’ll adjust. But, will you?

4. Be sure to send a few care packages. Their favorite cookies, toiletries, something to make them smile. Mid-terms and finals weeks are ideal times to mail care packages.

5. Take time for yourself! Write, paint, sew, take a yoga class. Do something every week for just you. Make a list of things you used to love doing, but through the child-raising and working years, haven’t found time to do. Make another list of things you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t. You’ll find your way.

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(The quilt I made my son out of his swim tee shirts.)

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 (My kids when I tried to get a picture of the two of them together during a visit to UCSB.)

 

What I learned from three grads about attitude and achievement.

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Yesterday I interviewed three graduating seniors in Desert Hot Springs for a small scholarship fund I’m involved with. 

Each girl was a joy and their spirit of kindness was refreshing. Our scholarship fund requires recipients to have high academic achievement, leadership, and a commitment to their community.

The high school we visited yesterday is poor compared to the one my daughter attends, although it’s only 10 miles away.

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All three girls had one thing in common — they are the first in their family to be attending college.

One girl was the fifth child in her family. The parents never went beyond 8th grade in their education. She loves her parents, but she has seen how hard life can be without an education. This is what spurred her to take AP and Honors classes to get on track for college. She volunteers while following a path that no one else in her family has attempted.

The second was the salutatorian. Not only did her parents not attend college, but she has an older brother in his 20s that is mentally disabled. I could tell that she was equally as proud of his accomplishments as her own. On weekends, this bright, confident girl, travels 30 minutes to volunteer with animals at the zoo.  Her goal is to be a veterinarian. I have no doubt she will achieve her dreams.

The third girl was very soft spoken and shy, but she had a warmth and grace about her. She has volunteered for four years at a local hospital and said she loves working in the surgery center. “The patients are cranky and I like to do everything I can to make them more comfortable.” Her mother is a single mom that makes $22,000 per year. 

imgres-6I’m proud and honored to meet these three girls. They have given me hope, especially after being around kids in my daughter’s world who are given everything they ask for, want everything and need nothing, have supportive parents, yet still act as though the world owes them something. 

images-5What are the parents of these so called “underprivileged” kids doing that we are not? Perhaps they’ve let their kids fail and learn from their mistakes. Or, they don’t believe their kids are perfect and never make mistakes. They didn’t spend their parenting years fighting every battle for them. These three beautiful girls had to make it all on their own. 

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My scholarship committee after interviewing the three girls.

How to Help Your Grad Avoid Angst and Anxiety

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We’re approaching countdown days for my daughter Kat’s high school senior year. These last few months are busy, hectic and getting busier. She seems, how shall I put this? A tad bit cranky.

I’ve shared my son’s senior year with you in “My Son Wrote about his Crazy Mom for his Senior Project.” I have no intention of reliving that experience with Kat!

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What is it about the senior year that turns the smiliest kids into negative nellies?  Why do they hurl hurt at the ones who love them?

My daughter came into the world in fits of colic. I’ll never forget holding her screaming, wiggling little body for months — never able to calm or soothe her. Good meaning friends would say, “try the football hold,”  “press her tummy,” or “give her castor oil.” The moment my husband walked through the door I’d pass her off in the football hold, “Here! Take her!”

By 5:05 p.m. he’d pass her back, “I can’t take this!” and he’d leave the house. Relief would come to me around midnight, when the bright orange-red baby would fall asleep.  Miraculously, one day her colic passed — and I am not making this up — it was on her Baptism day.

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From that day on — until a couple weeks ago — I’ve had the pleasure and joy to be Kat’s mom. So what’s going on now to have her continually snipe at me?  I have joked with other moms that kids act out to make separation easier for us. We’ll push them out the door happily when the time comes.

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Last night, my husband urged Kat to sit down and talk with me. We sat on a double-wide chaise lounge in the backyard and she apologized for being so snarky. She confessed there is a lot going on and sometimes she feels out of control!

First, she told me that a good friend isn’t acting like a friend. This is someone she’s been close to for years. We had a discussion about how friendships change and it’s not anyone’s fault.

Second, kids and teachers from school question her college choice. I beg you all —  parents and kids: “People choose colleges for many different reasons, and we have no right to second guess or challenge their choices!” She could have gone to any number of prestigious schools and she picked the one that felt right. That’ s all we need —  throw in doubt when a kid has made a great choice! Don’t go there!

Third, she has normal fears of leaving home for the first time, like leaving friends and her home.

She also said I need to man up and not be so emotional about it, too!

My advice to parents of seniors, is talk to your kids about what they might be afraid of and what is stressing them out. Realize that you are going through a transitional phase, too. We need to give our kids space, but be there for them when they need a shoulder to lean or cry on.

Photos in order: My daughter in a peaceful moment during the colic days, my son and friends, Kat’s big yawn (thankfully not a cry), and my happy kids during the greatest days of my life.
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What is your child anxious about going away to college?  I’d like to create a top ten list and your input will help!

Top 10 Things Kids Need to Know Before Going to College

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The Quad at the UW, cherry blossoms. My alma mater.

 

 

“He tried college a couple times. It just didn’t take,” a dad of one of my son’s friends told me last night at the grocery store.

Next, I got a call from a close friend, whose happy-go-lucky daughter checked herself into a campus hospital, because she felt so overwhelmed and out of control.

Another friend told me their son quit after one semester after too much partying and not enough studying. Yet another mom left on a rescue mission to help a child in need.

What the heck is going on with our kids and college? My own son struggled to find his way his freshman year.  

All of these parents, myself included, believed college was the best and only choice for their kids.imgres-1

Maybe college isn’t for everyone? Maybe we did too much for them? Maybe we didn’t let them fail often or enough?

I’ll talk more about why kids are struggling in college on another day. And if we have an epidemic on our hands.

But, first, I want to share basic things kids need to know before they leave for college. I was often surprised at questions my son would ask me during his first year at college. I’m going to make sure my second child checks off every item on my “top 10 things kids need to know before going to college” list.

  1. Banking skills. Know how to write a check, make a deposit face-to-face with a teller, fill out a deposit slip, and use an ATM card for deposits and withdrawals. Balancing a check-book falls under the banking list.
  2. Laundry. Have your kids do their own laundry so they know how to sort white and colors, hand-wash, hang dry, and fold–and what it feels like to be out of clean clothes. The clean underwear does not appear by magic! imgres-5
  3. Cooking. Teach your child some basic cooking skills like scrambling eggs, making spaghetti, baking a chicken, steaming vegetables, and cooking rice. 
  4. Grocery shopping. Just like clean underwear, the food in the fridge doesn’t appear out of thin air. Teach how to make a list, look for coupons, find sale items, and learn how to read unit pricing on shelves.imgres-6
  5. How to get to and from the grocery store. This may seem obvious, but I’ll never forget the phone call I got from Robert: “Mom. I’m at Costco and how do I get home with cases of water, yogurt, and Top Ramen on my bike?”  Hmmm. Good question.
  6. Budgeting. If your child hasn’t worked at a job and you provide their basic necessities, they lack budgeting skills. My son got his first paycheck working a summer retail job. The check was for $175. He bought his girlfriend a dress for $110 and spent the rest on dinner for the two of them. Very romantic, but not practical when he needed to eat the next week and month.
  7. Theft. At college, thieves are everywhere. My first week of college, I hand-washed some sweaters and hung them out to dry in the bathroom. Within minutes — gone. I had a bike stolen from my sorority storage room — and a locked bike stolen when I used a restroom during a ride around Green Lake. My son’s laptop was stolen when he left it in a study area in his dorm. Make sure they have “find my laptop” activated and never leave anything unattended! Don’t use a chain or cable lock for your bike — use a solid bar type. 
  8. Professors. They set aside office hours and only one or two students bother to stop by per semester. They are thrilled to help and meet students face-to-face. This can help for future referrals, references, internships — and grades. Have your kid meet with each professor at least once, every semester. It can’t hurt!images-2
  9. Cars. Basic things like checking tire pressure, oil and water levels, changing tires and pumping gas. Maybe they won’t have a car right away, but at some point they will and car maintenance is not an instinct. It’s a learned skill.
  10. Learn to say no! College means hanging out with friends, listening to music, parties, dances, rallies, job opportunities, football games, intramural sports, going out to eat, etc. Studying is priority number one. Learning to say no will help your kid stay focused.

What other essential life skills would you add to the list?

imgres-4The first and last photos are from my alma mater the University of Washington. A gorgeous school!

My Son Agrees With the Girl Who Sued Her Parents

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csfMy son called to tell me that he did great on his midterm for Differential Geometry. It’s a hard class he said. So hard that he spends 20 to 30 hours studying each week.

I am proud of him. And we had a great conversation on how he’s finally figuring out this whole college thing — until I brought up the girl who sued her parents for her private Catholic School tuition, expenses, and future college education. (her photo is below)

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I was sure my son would say, “What a jerk.”

We had a rough time his senior year and today he calls himself a jerk — looking back on how we interacted. (More on this in “My Son Wrote About His Crazy Mom for His Senior Project.”)

You can only imagine how I was shocked to hear him say that it’s “publicly accepted in our country for parents to pay for their kids college and that it’s her right.”

Where did we — or more importantly — I go wrong?

I read about how the judge called the high school senior “a spoiled brat.” I threw the argument at my son that the judge brought up — is it now going to be okay for a 12-year-old to sue their parents because he wants an Xbox?

My son said, “No, Mom. There’s a big difference between a college education and an Xbox.”

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I see these kids as part of the “occupy generation”  — spoiled, feeling entitled, like society owes them something. These are kids that all got trophies in t-ball for participation (I’ll write about that another time!)

Saving for 18 years for our kids to go to college was our choice. (Read my post “College Costs — A lot!”)

Going to college is a privilege, not a right. The “paid for college privilege” is earned through hard work in academics, sports, and being a valuable member of the family and greater community. I’m proud that my kids work hard. I’m just surprised that my son has a different world view.

Is my son an exception? Or do lots of kids believe that their parents owe them college? Ask your kids if they believe college should be paid for by parents. Comment below and tell me what they said.

What is Differential Geometry you ask? According to Wikipedia…

Differential geometry is a mathematical discipline that uses the techniques of differential calculus and integral calculus, as well as linear algebra and multilinear algebra, to study problems in geometry. The theory of plane and spacecurves and of surfaces in the three-dimensional Euclidean space formed the basis for development of differential geometry during the 18th century and the 19th century. Since the late 19th century, differential geometry has grown into a field concerned more generally with the geometric structures on differentiable manifolds. Differential geometry is closely related to differential topology, and to the geometric aspects of the theory of differential equations. The differential geometry of surfaces captures many of the key ideas and techniques characteristic of this field.

From the Los Angeles Times: An open letter to my kids about suing mom and dad.

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