Tag Archives: Failing Forward

Don’t Be Afraid to Let Your Children Fail

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My kids trying out their superpowers.

There’s something to be said for failure. I look back on my younger parenting days and realized I was interfering too much day to day. I wouldn’t let my kids face consequences or fail. I would rush to school with forgotten homework or swim suits. I talked to teachers about tests scores and homework grades that were less than perfect. What a pain in the butt I must have been–although I thought I had good relationships with teachers and coaches.

Without the chance to fail, we are robbing our kids the chance to learn from their mistakes. My son would sleep through his alarm and I’d wake him up for school on a daily basis. My dad advised me to let him be late for school and he’d learn. I wasn’t sure he would learn, so I always woke him up and got him going.

In an article on the NBC Tulsa 2 website called The Effect of ‘Snow Plow’ Parenting by Travis Guillory, I learned some statistics that show the negative effects of rescuing our kids from failure.

TULSA — We’re taking a look at a new trend in parenting styles called “Snow Plow” parenting, where these parents make a clear path for their kids with no obstacles.

Experts say it could be setting them up to fail.

So we’re showing you the impacts of being a “Snow Plow” parent and why taking a step back, may be your best move.

You may have heard the term helicopter parenting, even lawnmower parenting, now we have “Snow Plow” parenting.

Child Development Expert Katey McPherson says, “It’s a newer term, snow plow parenting where they are just plowing through everything for them.”

6th Grade English Teacher Jordan Madura says she sees it constantly.

Madura says, I’ve definitely had times when I’ve spoke to a parent and the parent is like I don’t understand why this test has to be this way, like isn’t there a way that you can postpone because of x,y, and z? Asking for more things that I would expect that the kid could ask for.”

McPherson says whether it’s helicopter, lawnmower or snowplowing parents, all of it based out of fear.

“We really are afraid of the world, this is an unsafe place, so I’m going to hunker down, I’m going to protect my babies. I’m going to carefully engineer play dates, club soccer schedules, junior high, high school path to college etc.,” says McPherson.

And how exactly does it affect our kids, take a look at the numbers:

  • 30 percent of 18 to 34-year-old men are living at home with mom and dad
  • Getting a driver’s license and driving is not a priority
  • And many times after their first year of college, they come back home, for good.

“They don’t have the life skills to deal with a mean roommate or a mean professor,” says McPherson.

Educators and experts say the same thing: Failure is and will always have to be part of success.

There’s an interesting book called “Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success” by John C. Maxwell that is helpful in this area. Failure and mistakes are certainties in life. It’s how we react to failure that counts. Successful people move on and learn from mistakes. We should look at failure in our children’s lives the same way. Everything and anything can be a learning experience. Let our children learn and grow. Perfectionism can be stifling to growth.

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Now I’m trying to let go of my adult children and allowing them room to fail.

What types of failures have your children experienced and grown from? 

The not-so-funny truth about helicopter parents

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The goal is to raise happy, healthy kids who experience failure at times so they can also experience success.

 

I often joke that I’m a recovering helicopter parent. But, it’s not that funny after all. It’s important to raise kids who can handle the curve balls life throws at them. By not allowing our kids to fail, we’re robbing them of the ability to learn, grow, and understand hard work. Not only that, but studies show that kids with helicopter parents suffer more from anxiety and depression.

In an article in USA Today by Katy Piotrowski, M.Ed. called “How to help your adult children find success,” it appears success comes most often after failure. So, if we’re not allowing our kids the chance to fail, how will they be successful later in life?

Here are a few tips from the article:

“In a study reported in Psychology Today, the majority of children with helicopter parents have higher anxiety and view life’s challenges as being more daunting than those with more hands-off moms and dads. So what can we do, as parents, to truly support career success in our children? Psychiatrist Joel Young, M.D., suggests these strategies:

“Rather than sharing your goals and wishes for your child, listen to theirs. This builds their skills in independent thought and critical thinking, and sidesteps imposing your values on them.

“When your child receives a consequence, such as not getting hired for a job you think they’d excel in, don’t try to intervene to change the outcome.

“Avoid being your adult child’s keeper and don’t remind them of deadlines. By middle school, they should have learned to stay on top of their to-do lists.

“Instead of offering your solutions to their career challenges, encourage your child to come up with remedies on their own.”

Honestly, is there anything worse than watching your kids suffer, feel hurt or experience failure? We want to make life easy for them. But, while they are young, let them flunk a few tests, or oversleep for school. These are minor things that they can self-correct. They can learn from their mistakes. If we’ve helped our kids every step of the way from kindergarten through their senior year in high school, and they’ve never experienced failure, they may feel overwhelmed when they get a lousy grade on a college paper or fail an exam. They also may feel they aren’t worthy and are incapable on their own without their helicopter parent at their side to save them.

It reminds me of a book I learned about at a writer’s conference more than a decade ago called “Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones” by John C. Maxwell. It was recommended for writers to read this book because in this tough profession we face rejection after rejection and the key is to keep going and fail forward, rather than failing backward. I believe it’s an important read for parents, too, so that we allow our kids the growth experience that only failure provides.

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Before my kids experienced anxiety, stress or failure. Those were the days!

What other sad side-effects do you think helicopter parents may inflict upon their children–with the best intentions? Do you know any helicopter parents? What have you seen them do that you would never do yourself?