I was looking back to March 2020 on my blog, right when we were getting worried about COVID. I found this blog post I wrote back then and thought it was a strange enough topic to post again:
This is an actual memo that went out to a company this week. I am not making this up. My daughter sent this to me and said “You boomers are wildin’!” She was shown this by one of her coworkers who said it was sent to one of his family members at work.
It has come to my attention that we have had over 10 calls from parents about various subjects as it relates to their kids.
You are adults now and your job is YOUR responsibility. If you have a concern or need more information about the Coronavirus, 401k, Benefits or anything else that relates to work you need to communicate with your manager. If you can’t or don’t feel comfortable talking to your manager then please talk with HR.
I DO NOT want to hear again that someone’s parent called in HR or anyone else at our company for that matter to ask a question. You need to step up and be the responsible one as this is your job and you are an adult.
If your parent calls in that will be your final day.
Isn’t that something? Who are these parents? I would never, ever call my children’s HR or workplace. Of course we all want to know how our children’s companies are handling the coronavirus but I rely on my kids to let me know. For example, my son’s company has everyone working remotely.
What are your thoughts about a company having to issue a memo like this? Have you or do you know anyone that would call the company their child works for?
“I had no idea your life was so difficult and that your mom was so ‘crazy.’ Your senior project made me cry.”
I found these words scrawled in a handmade card to my 18-year-old, valedictorian son, wedged next to the front seat of my car.
I couldn’t breathe. Then I howled. My beautiful first born. The little pee wee with the stocking cap and button nose who stared at me with huge eyes the day he was born. The toddler with white blond curls who called me “Sweetheart.”
This stranger living in my house made his senior project about me? The horrors of living with me? After everything I had done for him? Years filled with volunteering as a room-mom, midnight trips to the ER for his asthma, driving to the Getty for field trips, opening our house for movies nights and spaghetti feeds. Me?
A friend with older kids warned me that the senior year “can be kind of tough.”
No kidding! I never dreamed how hard. I found myself at odds with this person, who used to be my best friend. I alternated between yelling, cajoling and pleading with him to finish college applications, meet countless deadlines and study for exams. No wonder he called me crazy.
The stress of applying for college proved to be filled with potholes, no, make that sinkholes — the kind that swallows entire houses and families. What to declare as a major, where to live, what to write for a personal statement are enough to stress out the calmest kid.
So what else makes applying to college so awful? Try these numbers on for size:
• More than 3,000,000 high school seniors apply to college in the US — never mind the ones throughout the world trying to get into our top schools!
• Yale’s applications doubled from 2002 to this year, topping 30,000. Yale accepted roughly 2,000 in 2013.
• Harvard has nearly 35,000 applicants, 2029 admitted in 2013.
• The number of applicants for University of California Santa Barbara in 2013 was 62,413, They had 4,550 in the freshman class last year.
• UCLA is one of the most applied to schools in the country, with nearly 100,000 applicants, and they admit 15,000.
Between December and graduation, my son received eight out of nine college rejections –further making him love me, hate me, turn to me in need, and then reject me again. I could do nothing to help his torment. In the end, he accepted admission to his one school.
Hang in there moms of juniors and seniors. When it seems like there is nothing you can do to help, take a deep breath. Be there for support and offer advice if they ask for it. Love them, even if they are undeniably rude. Forgive yourself if you lose your temper.
I believe our kids take out their fears and frustrations on those they love most.
I am happy to report that two years later, the stranger living in my son’s skin has disappeared. I have a son who calls me the moment he finishes a final that he knows he’s crushed. He calls to ask how to cook chicken stir fry. And he calls to say he loves me.
Photos: (top) My son during graduation. (second) a beautiful baby, (above) my son when he was at the age when he thought my name was “Sweetheart,” and (below) a view of my son’s university. Not too shabby, after all.
I enjoy reading and posting stories about helicopter parents because the outrageous, over-the-top behavior of the few mentioned makes me feel like I’ve done a decent job parenting my two young adults.
In “Crazy Parents Are Calling Up Colleges Pretending to Be Their Kids” by Kristen Fleming in the New York Post, I wonder exactly who are these parents and what are they thinking?
A friend told me about someone they knew whose only child was going to start at the University of Redlands which is about 40 miles away. My friend was surprised to hear that the mom got a hotel room and stayed the first week so she could be close to her son. The parents didn’t want him to be alone. When he got a poor grade on a paper, the dad called the University president to complain! Yes, this is a true story. I can only imagine how the student’s four years went—or if he made it that long.
Here are two examples from the article:
“I think the wackiest example was when a mother called and asked for permission to do her daughter’s internship for her because [the girl] had too much anxiety. I said, ‘It sounds to me that this would be a fun and interesting experience for you but I don’t think your daughter is going to get any credit for it,’ ” recalled Jonathan Gibralter, president of Wells College in upstate New York.
An administrator at a liberal arts college in the Northeast, who asked to remain anonymous for professional reasons, has trouble keeping up with the parental texts and e-mails that flood her phone.
“Over the last two or three years it’s become unbearable,” she said. “I’ve had parents calling up and impersonating their children, asking questions that could have been easily asked by their kids. One lady didn’t even bother to disguise her Long Island soccer-mom voice.”
I learned that technology is partially to blame and that the cell phone is the world’s longest umbilical cord at my daughter’s orientation for students and parents at the University of Utah. We were told to not jump every time the cell phone rang or we received a text. Let our kids learn to problem solve was the advice. Usually, they’re just venting and the problem will solve itself or be no big deal after a day.
In the New York Post article, technology is pointed out to be an issue and one main cause of helicopter parenting:
Harlan Cohen, who wrote the book “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” is in demand at schools as an instructional speaker.
“I’ve heard all of the horror stories,” said Cohen, who recently led a seminar for parents at Purdue University in Indiana. “I’ve heard stories of parents wanting to come along for job interviews, coming unannounced to resident halls and reaching out to the president for every little situation.”
Still, he said, “I’m sympathetic to both sides.”
He blames technology for the seismic shift in academic life. Previous generations had to rely on landlines and phone cards to call home, limiting contact and allowing kids to feel their way through challenges. Now, armed with smartphones, students are apt to sound off with a text or social-media post after a frustrating encounter with a professor or roommate — raising the alarm back at home.
I have a relative who stayed up several nights to finish projects for her son and she also would rewrite his papers. She was very upset when he (she?) got a bad grade and made an appointment to speak to the teacher about it. She had the good sense to laugh about it and said it was hard not to say “Why did you give me this bad grade?” — rather than her son. It dawned on her that she might be doing too much for him.
Why do you think parents are so overly involved in their high school and college-aged kids lives?
I think they’ve had enough of my posing them for pictures!
Those were the days! My kids had piano practice in addition to homework.
The school year has begun and for many parents, that means evenings spent with the onerous task of getting their kids to do their homework. Plus, parents are transporting their kids to sports, dance, music or other whatever activities their kids may be enrolled in. With busy, hectic schedules, we may want to help out with homework to make life easier.
I have only one memory of my parents helping me with my homework—it was a map for a geography class. Other than that, I was on my own. My mom had a rule that we had to get our work done before we played—so I was pretty good at getting things done so I’d have free time.
These days, many schools want parents to get involved and have a “parental portal” so they exactly what is expected for homework. My kids’ elementary school had a “homework hotline” and every afternoon we’d listen to it together. Is all this helping and communicating with mom and dad helpful or hurting our kids?
One parent was feeling “between a rock and hard place” with the instructions from their children’s school. In a parenting advice column in the Fort Wayne, IN News Sentinel a parent asked:
“…In addition, the “Parent Portal,” as it’s called, also lets us know what we are expected to help with at home. In effect, we are being made responsible for what, in our estimation, is a teacher’s responsibility. We are expected to know the material, monitor homework, and see to it that every assignment is not only done, but done properly.”
Here’s part of the answer written by a family psychologist John Rosemond in his parenting column called “Parent portal source of angst for parents:”
“…A very good friend of mine with three school-age children says, ‘These parent portals bring a whole new level of crazy to parental over-involvement.’ From the get-go, my friend let her children know that they were wholly responsible for their homework assignments and that their job was to make sure she and their father never had to get involved.
“These parent homework portals take advantage of ubiquitous parent anxiety — borne largely by mothers who seem to think that their children’s grades reflect the quality of their parenting — regarding school achievement and successfully turn many parents/moms into micromanaging enablers. In so doing, teachers transfer a significant amount of responsibility for academic instruction to the home.
“It is a fact without exceptions that enabling weakens. In this case, it weakens a child’s sense of personal responsibility and is, therefore, self-fulfilling. The more the parent enables, the more enabling the child in question seems to need. “I can’t!” becomes a frequent complaint.”
You may question why the schools are doing this? Why are they making crazy parents lives even crazier? One reason according to Rosemond is the standardized testing. Schools want to see good test scores and getting parents involved ensures better results.
My question is this, why do schools care more about test scores than the development of our children?
Swim practice six days a week and meets kept them busy!