It’s official. I was a lawnmower parent.

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“Ever run a forgotten backpack or sports equipment to school for your child? The habit is a sign that you’re engaging in lawnmower parenting.”

That is the first sentence in a story from nbcnews.com called Why ‘lawnmower parenting’ is like robbing your kids — and how to actually help them by Nicole Spector. Yes! I’m so guilty. I ran forgotten homework to school, forgotten lunches, projects and swim suits and swim bags from kindergarten through high school graduation day. I thought I was helping, but instead my kids didn’t get to learn from mistakes or how to make do when things weren’t perfect. The downside is that all this help from mom was going to cripple them later on — I saw it first hand. Children of lawnmower parents lack resilience, confidence and the ability to problem solve.  Here’s an excerpt from the article:

The recent “Operation Varsity Blues” scandal is an extreme example, but this parenting tactic is more common than you may think. Are you guilty?

First we had helicopter parents — the types who “hover” over their children’s every move; now, we have lawnmower parents.

Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist defines lawnmower parenting (also referred to as “bulldozing parenting” and “snowplow parenting”) simply as: “when parents remove obstacles for their kids in hopes of setting them up to be successful.”

The “Operation Varsity Blues” scandal that recently saw dozens of parents, including recognizable actors Felicity Huffman and Lori Laughlin, charged in a $25 million college cheating scheme, may be interpreted partly as an extreme (and criminal) example of lawnmower parenting; but therapists, parenting coaches and educators say they observe lesser (and legal) variations of lawnmower parenting often.

“I see this all the time,” says Jasmine Peters, a parenting life coach and founder of Parenting Wellness Center, LLC. “Most parents don’t realize what they are doing until I bring it to their attention.”

From not allowing them to quit, to ‘pulling strings’ so they get ahead

Jenny Grant Rankin, PhD, an educator, author, lecturer and writer for “Psychology Today”, highlights just how subtly lawnmower parenting can operate.

“For example, if a boy forgets his violin at home, his mom races to drop it at school before band practice so the boy doesn’t have to weather the consequences [that’s a variation of lawnmower parenting],” she says. “If a girl gets in a fight, her dad yells at the principal that it was the other child’s fault and refuses to hand out consequences at home.”

Kelley Kitley, a licensed clinical social worker, adds that lawnmower parenting can also manifest as “pulling strings to get your child onto a certain sports team”, ”setting up a rigorous summer schedule that is all work and no play to get ahead” or “not allowing your child to choose activities they want to participate in or forcing them not to ‘quit’ if they no longer enjoy it”.

Another example, from Rankin: “If a child fails to complete a homework assignment, a mild lawnmower will say her kid is sick so the child can use the time off school to get the project done.”

‘Lawnmower’ parents usually have good intentions, but this behavior backfires later

Bringing your kid his violin because he forgot it, or defending your kid when she’s gotten into a fight, doesn’t sound so bad to me. Indeed, we see such depictions in Hollywood movies all the time and those parents can seem downright heroic. Look at that mom saving the day! Go dad — sticking up for his daughter!

This is where it gets tricky because these types of parents really do want to help, and, usually they have no idea how potentially harmful this manner of helping can be.

So, why is bringing your kid his violin harmful? In and of itself, it’s not. But making a habit of these kinds of quick fixes for your kids can be detrimental in the long term.

“These parents think they are helping their children, but [they’re] robbing kids of the chance to face obstacles, [meaning] these kids don’t get practice dealing with challenges and developing healthy expectations,” Rankin says. “Kids who receive the best of everything and don’t have opportunities to practice defeat will later struggle when coping with life’s messy nature. Such children are also less likely to appreciate their good fortune; gratitude is a vital ingredient for happiness.”

Kitley makes a similar conclusion: “I absolutely do believe these parents mean well for their kids, but it fails them because it sets them up to not have the skills to cope with disappointments of not getting something you want which is a fact of life,” she says. “We want to teach kids to be resilient, and the only way they can learn this is through experiencing disappointment, picking themselves back up again and looking for a different path or outcome.”

Why do we this? It usually comes down to you and not your kids

The article offers explanations for why parents go down this path from our personality types to a need to compensate because of our own childhood experiences. It also offers tips to to help parents change which I’ve highlighted below.

It’s painful for me to look back on how much I did for my first born and how much he struggled when he was away at college. I was a little better with my daughter because she lucked out by me gaining a bit more experience. I remember talking to teachers constantly on behalf of both my kids when I thought they received an unfair grade or punishment. Those teachers must have secretly despised me. Seriously. I wrote an email to a high school teacher complaining about my son receiving a B in a class because it was taking him out of the running for a Merit Scholar award. I really did want everything to go smoothly for them, so I was a lawnmower, removing every obstacle in their paths.

We want to teach kids to be resilient, and the only way they can learn this is through experiencing disappointment, picking themselves back up again and looking for a different path.

What does success mean? Add ‘resilience’ to the definition

The goal of lawnmower parents generally is to help their kids succeed. But what is success to you? Think about it. Make a list. And as Lurie suggests, consider revamping it.

“Rather than being outcome-based, could that definition [of success] look like our children developing independence and resilience? Then we can shift our energies to helping them achieve that, while allowing them to have their own experiences and resisting living our lives through them.”

Recovering ‘lawnmower’? Here’s what to do:

  • Start to change by being honest with yourself and your kids. Changing parenting styles can be not only hard on you — it can be hard on your kid, especially if they’re used to having you figure out how to handle their problems. “If you are a lawnmower parent who wants to change, be honest,” says Rankin, “Sit your child down and explain you have been too lenient. You thought you were helping your child by removing obstacles, but you realize now that consequences and struggle are an important part of growing up and learning how to deal with life. Say that things will be different from now on, explain how, and (very importantly) stick to what you said. It will be hard at first: your child will not like the change and will push you to go back to your old ways, so be strong. Good parenting will get easier. [I recommend] reading the book ‘Mindset’ by Carol Dweck for assistance.”

  • Give strategies for problem solving. Sharing wisdom with and lending guidance to your kids is always useful, and you should continue to be as supportive as you can when they’re dealing with a challenge (provided you don’t step in to clean up the mess). “Ask your child what they think they can do to solve the problem, which will help them consider alternatives,” says Lurie. “Make tasks more approachable by helping your child break problems down into steps. Support them and praise them as they complete each part of the process, which will allow them to lean on you for support while also allowing them to take ownership of their own decisions, regardless of outcome.”

  • Should you struggle with backing off, remember how your kid learned to walk. Just because you’ve decided to let go a bit (or, at least, resist intervention around building success) doesn’t mean you’ll immediately break your habit of wanting to control their challenges. When this happens, Lurie recommends remembering how your child learned to walk. “Letting them fall was probably difficult to tolerate as their parent, but we had to let them do it in order for them to learn to walk,” she says. “As they enter new stages of development, they will continue to ‘fall,’ and it’s just as important for us to tolerate our own reaction to it.”

  • Keep your eye on the goal: independence! Just as we want our children to be able to walk instead of crawl, we want them to be able to thrive on their own instead of depend on us. The more you can remind yourself of this, the better you’ll manage keeping boundaries in place. “Strive to focus on what is healthy for the child in the long run,” says Manly. “Imagine what is best for the child — not your own gratification or personal agenda. This takes quite a bit of insight, focused effort, consistency and patience. Don’t give up.”

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What do you see as the biggest downside of lawnmower parenting? 

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Do Latchkey Kids Become Helicopter Moms?

 

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The park where my kids grew up playing outdoors.

 

I find the headlines of parenting articles to be pretty funny these days. I’ve heard about helicopter parents who hover endlessly over their kids and interfere at the workplace and summer camp. But, I’ve never heard about lawnmower parents before. Have you?

When I was growing up, a lot of kids went home after school to empty houses. More women were working, plus there were a lot more single-parent homes than in previous decades. There was a popular phrase back then called “latch-key kids.”

Here’s a memory about how different parenting was back when I was a kid compared to today. When I was in high school, I took a road trip with one of my best friends from our hometown Snohomish to Sun Valley, Idaho. My friend’s parents asked us to drive their pickup truck while they flew–a 675-mile trip! We slept in the back of the pickup truck in sleeping bags somewhere in Oregon. Then once we got to Sun Valley, we had planned to pitch a tent in a local campground, because we weren’t invited to stay in the Sun Valley lodge with my friend’s parents. For some reason, we chose to sleep in the parking lot in the back of the truck instead. I remember one night the parents were out late in the pick-up truck and we were sitting on the curb in the parking lot, waiting for them to return and to crawl into our sleeping bags. We were on our own for meals and everything. Wow. Talk about NOT being a helicopter parent!

In “Finding a balance between latch-key and helicopter parenting,” I found some interesting ideas:

“Latch-key kids surged from the 1970s to the early 1990s due to economic changes requiring two incomes to get by, and societal changes where an increased divorce rate created single-parent homes.

‘Now the generation of latch-key kids are parents themselves. Many generation X’ers over-compensate for their latch-key upbringing by being a helicopter parent,’ Janice Emery, 4-H youth development specialist with the University of Missouri Extension, said.

A helicopter parent is a parent who pays extremely close attention to their child’s experiences and problems. Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they hover overhead.

As parents, it is important to find the middle ground between these parenting styles and balance protecting children, and making sure they grow into responsible adults,” Emery said. “Parents have to keep in mind parenting success is not measured by how much a parent does for their child, but rather how much they teach them to do on their own.”

The second article I read today explains the difference between helicopter and lawnmower parents. In my humble opinion, I don’t see that much difference between the two of them. Both won’t allow their kids to fail and learn from their mistakes. I do agree we need to do less for our kids so they can grow up to be competent, well-balanced adults.

Helicopter of Lawnmower? Modern Parenting Styles Can Get in the Way of Raising Well-Balanced Children

“Helicopter parents, as the name suggests, spend a lot of time hovering. They always stay close to their children, ready to swoop in and direct, help or protect (usually before it is needed). Lawnmower parents are one step ahead of their children, smoothing their path and making sure nothing gets in their way. Common tactics of both include interfering significantly with their grown-up children’s lives, such as complaining to employers when their children don’t get a job.

As with anything, there is a middle ground. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realise that providing children with opportunities and support helps them to gain experiences, confidence and networks that they wouldn’t be offered in more adverse settings. But there is an important line between supporting children and wrapping them in gold-plated cotton wool.

Allowing children freedom to take appropriate risks through outdoor play is essential for their development. Risky play does not mean placing children in grave danger, but instead allowing them to be children – climbing, jumping from heights and hanging upside down are good examples. Risky play allows children to test limits and solve problems. And, yes, this includes learning what happens when they overstretch themselves and fall.”

 

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A view from my home town where I was a latch-key kid.

When I was growing up, we could ride bikes throughout the countryside. We told our parents where we were going—it could be to a friend’s house who lived five miles away—and our parents never worried. Even our golden retriever Pepi lived a free-range life.

For some of my childhood, I was a latch-key kid and the scary thing about it was going home to an empty house. If my brother, who was two years older, had golf or tennis practice, then I was riding the school bus alone and being dropped off at a bus stop, a quarter mile from my house. It was lonely and quiet, but I survived. The bad days were when Thelma, our bus driver, dropped me off at my doorstep and announced that a prisoner had escaped from the Monroe Penitentiary, which was a couple miles away. She’d wait until I was safely inside my empty house. Those were the worst days as a latch-key kid.

I wonder if spending some years as a latch-key kid influenced my involvement with my children every step of their way to becoming adults?

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The pool and swim team that allowed my kids space in a safe environment without me helicoptering–too much.

Did you grow up as a latch-key kid and do you think it affects how you parent? Or do you think we’re living in different times and we cannot allow our kids the same amount of freedom we had?

Yet Another Type of Parent—the Lighthouse?

lighthouse-at-nightWe all have heard about helicopter parents. They are the parents who drive teachers and coaches crazy. They show up at school to argue about grades. They go on job interviews with their kids–and they’ve been known to sew cell phones into stuffed animals to work around the summer camp’s “no cell phone rules.”

There’s the lawnmower parent who smoothes the way and removes all obstacles from their children’s lives. I’ve also read about free-range parents, who let their kids raise themselves. Their kids choose their meals, bedtimes and they don’t go to school. They aren’t homeschooled, in the traditional sense because they learn on their own without guidance or help. What do you these parents do all day?

I was surprised to read a couple articles about lighthouse parents. It’s a label that’s a cross between free-range and helicopter—which makes me believe it’s a mixture and probably what most of us are doing.

Dina Leygerman wrote “7 Signs That You’re Actually A Lighthouse Parent” that explains the parenting style:

“In his book, Raising Kids To Thrive, Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a developmental psychologist, professor of pediatrics, and author, claims that “parents should be lighthouses for their children, visible from the shoreline as a stable light or beacon.” Dr. Ginsburg continues to explain that lighthouse parents “make sure their children don’t crash against the rocks, yet allow them to ride the waves even if they get a little choppy sometimes.”

Here are five tips about lighthouse parenting by Richard Rende, Ph.D. in his article called “Lighthouse Parenting: 5 Ways to Strike the Right Balance Parents:”

Love without conditions: Provide unconditional love, but not unconditional approval; set boundaries for what is acceptable and what is not; disapprove behaviors, not the child.

Set the right kind of high expectations: Set realistic goals that can be met, emphasizing stretching for that next level; focus on effort, not performance; embrace the ups and downs, which are both necessary steps when pursuing success.

Be protective, not overprotective: Cultivate trust, which serves to protect, but don’t smother; allow mistakes to be made but within your protective gaze to balance risk and safety (take off the training wheels but be there just in case).

Nurture coping skills: Offer a “lap and and a listening ear” to encourage your child to talk about feelings and problems; help children identify problems, and think about ways of taking on the issue; teach good self-regulation skills including ways to reduce stress like breathing exercises (e.g., blowing bubbles can teach kids about how to use breathing to relax).

Cultivate communication: Maintain calmness when listening (too much emotion can shut kids down), and don’t rush to judge (which can undermine the sense of unconditional love); when talking to your child avoid the overuse of “you” (e.g., “You did this … you did that”) which can sound like blame, rather use “I” (e.g., “I was worried because …) which promotes empathy.

What style of parent are you? Perhaps we’re combinations in different circumstances and times of our children’s lives.

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Do Latch-Key Kids Become Helicopter Parents—and What About the Lawnmowers?

 

IMG_8366

The park where my kids grew up playing outdoors.

 

I find the headlines of parenting articles to be pretty funny these days. I’ve heard about helicopter parents who hover endlessly over their kids and interfere at the workplace and summer camp. But, I’ve never heard about lawnmower parents before. Have you?

When I was growing up, a lot of kids went home after school to empty houses. More women were working, plus there were a lot more single-parent homes than in previous decades. There was a popular phrase back then called “latch-key kids.”

In “Finding a balance between latch-key and helicopter parenting,” I found some interesting ideas:

“Latch-key kids surged from the 1970s to the early 1990s due to economic changes requiring two incomes to get by, and societal changes where an increased divorce rate created single-parent homes.

‘Now the generation of latch-key kids are parents themselves. Many generation X’ers over-compensate for their latch-key upbringing by being a helicopter parent,’ Janice Emery, 4-H youth development specialist with the University of Missouri Extension, said.

A helicopter parent is a parent who pays extremely close attention to their child’s experiences and problems. Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they hover overhead.

As parents, it is important to find the middle ground between these parenting styles and balance protecting children, and making sure they grow into responsible adults,” Emery said. “Parents have to keep in mind parenting success is not measured by how much a parent does for their child, but rather how much they teach them to do on their own.”

The second article I read today explains the difference between helicopter and lawnmower parents. In my humble opinion, I don’t see that much difference between the two of them. Both won’t allow their kids to fail and learn from their mistakes. I do agree we need to do less for our kids so they can grow up to be competent, well-balanced adults.

Helicopter of Lawnmower? Modern Parenting Styles Can Get in the Way of Raising Well-Balanced Children

“Helicopter parents, as the name suggests, spend a lot of time hovering. They always stay close to their children, ready to swoop in and direct, help or protect (usually before it is needed). Lawnmower parents are one step ahead of their children, smoothing their path and making sure nothing gets in their way. Common tactics of both include interfering significantly with their grown-up children’s lives, such as complaining to employers when their children don’t get a job.

As with anything, there is a middle ground. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realise that providing children with opportunities and support helps them to gain experiences, confidence and networks that they wouldn’t be offered in more adverse settings. But there is an important line between supporting children and wrapping them in gold-plated cotton wool.

Allowing children freedom to take appropriate risks through outdoor play is essential for their development. Risky play does not mean placing children in grave danger, but instead allowing them to be children – climbing, jumping from heights and hanging upside down are good examples. Risky play allows children to test limits and solve problems. And, yes, this includes learning what happens when they overstretch themselves and fall.”

 

1_498389_0_1370586658_636x435

A view from my home town where I was a latch-key kid.

When I was growing up, we could ride bikes throughout the countryside. We told our parents where we were going—it could be to a friend’s house who lived five miles away—and our parents never worried. Even our golden retriever Pepi lived a free-range life.

For some of my childhood, I was a latch-key kid and the scary thing about it was going home to an empty house. If my brother, who was two years older, had golf or tennis practice, then I was riding the school bus alone and being dropped off at a bus stop, a quarter mile from my house. It was lonely and quiet, but I survived. The bad days were when Thelma, our bus driver, dropped me off at my doorstep and announced that a prisoner had escaped from the Monroe Penitentiary, which was a couple miles away. She’d wait until I was safely inside my empty house. Those were worst days as a latch-key kid.

 

I wonder if spending some years as a latch-key kid influenced my involvement with my children every step of their way to becoming adults?

Did you grow up as a latch-key kid and do you think it affects how you parent? Or do you think we’re living in different times and we cannot allow our kids the same amount of freedom we had?

16387049_10155016389924612_4962935708272400344_n

The pool and swim team that allowed my kids space in a safe environment without me helicoptering–too much.