What’s the best advice from your mom?

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Mom and me in the early 90s.

“The Best Parenting Advice My Mom Gave Me” from the HuffPost and written by Taylor Pittman has nine quotes from staff members about what they learned from their moms, like “Never say, ‘My child will/would never do that.’”

Here are three more quotes from the article:

“The sink won’t remember if you cleaned it every night before bed. The laundry won’t mind staying unfolded for several days. The kids will remember time with Mom. Your husband will appreciate the 10 minutes you spend together.” ― Valeria Nijm

“Be willing to admit when you’ve made a mistake to your kids, and apologize.” ― Jen Hall

“This nugget came from my mom, who got it from her mother. If something bad happened, my grandmother would say, ‘Oh, well!’ She’s right, you just have to roll with the punches and move on from things.” ― Wendy Pitoniak

This article made me reflect on advice from my own mom. One of the best thing she’d stress to me was that she didn’t care about my grades, probably because she had so much pressure to be perfect and valedictorian.

The other thing she would say was that it was a parent’s job to let go and let your children fly out of the nest. She believed in a mostly hands-off approach and she said if she did a good job as my mother, her job would be over. Her goal was to be out of a job as the parent.

My parents were never overly involved but gave us plenty of real-life experience with chores and responsibilities. We suffered consequences for our own actions. I was highly motivated to do well in school and would set my alarm early before anyone would wake up, make myself coffee and study Chemistry every morning before school. Each day we would have a quiz and I would literally memorize my textbook so I would be guaranteed a seat near the top of the class. (The teacher came up with a new seating chart daily based on our cumulative scores.) My mom did nothing to make me do this. It was my own motivation.

She made sure I was prepared for adulting. I knew how to do the laundry, change a tire, check my oil, bank, grocery shop and cook. I never liked cleaning and my room was usually a disaster, but my parents didn’t care, so long as I kept the mess confined to my own room and shut the door. I had to keep the rest of the house clean and trade off vacuuming and cleaning the rest of the house with my brother.

 

 

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Me and my daughter.

 

What is the best wisdom your mom shared with you?

 

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Six complaints millennials have about their parents

 

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My two cuties.

“What Millennials Say About Their Parents During Therapy” in the HuffPost, written by Brittany Wong, lists six of the most common complaints—and they’re all about parents.

“We went from a parent-focused society to a child-focused society, and this generation are the products of this flux in our parenting focus,“ Deborah Duley, a psychotherapist and founder of Empowered Connections, a counseling practice told HuffPost. “As a result, I hear consistent complaints that their parents are micromanaging their lives to the point of it being suffocating and overbearing.”

Duley and other therapists across the country share more parent-related complaints they hear from clients in their 20s and 30s.

The number one problem is helicopter parents who don’t allow their kids to grow and develop into independent adults.

“You know there’s a problem when the mother of a 28-year-old calls to schedule a therapy consultation for her son. Parents of millennials are notoriously helicopter parents, which inhibits young adults from becoming independent and learning to solve their own problems.” ― Tara Griffith, a therapist and founder of Wellspace SF, a San Francisco community of licensed therapists, nutritionists and certified coaches.

The other points listed include:

2. I feel like a failure by my parents’ standards.
3. My parents don’t think I need therapy.
4. My parents have become helicopter grandparents.
5. My parents are overly involved in my financial life.
6. My parents didn’t teach me how to navigate negative emotions.

I thought those are very interesting complaints, especially because I have two kids in their 20s. I wonder if my kids feel I have been too involved? Am I too involved in their financial lives? Do they feel like failures? I wonder if I taught them how to deal with negative emotions? I’ll have to ask them and I’ll report back on what they say. Maybe—if it isn’t too awful.

Back to the basics of parenting, it’s not helpful to do too much for our kids while they’re young. They’ll learn more from their mistakes and failures than us picking up after them, packing their lunches, doing their laundry, waking them up for school, and running back to school with forgotten homework. It’s a temptation to have every day perfect for our kids, but then they’ll be unprepared for when life isn’t perfect. Also, they may feel insecure or incompetent because they don’t think they can manage on their own without mom.

 

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Despite my helicoptering, they’re growing into wonderful adults.

What are your thoughts about these six complaints millennials have about their parents?

 

Words of advice: don’t judge other parents

robkatwaterIn the article on HuffPost today called “The Hypocrisy of Parenting,” Dr. Kurt Smith makes a point that until we are a parent ourselves, it’s very easy to judge our friends and strangers during small snapshots of their parenting life.

“There often seems to be something about not having children that makes everyone a parenting expert. Many of us quietly have thought to ourselves, “I can’t believe they…”

“Let him watch TV that late! or,
Sleep in their bed, or
Scream in a store, or
Wear THOSE clothes, or
Eat nothing but mac-n-cheese and Cheerios
This list could go on and on.”

I have several memories of being judged or having my kids judged by relatives and friends. I was judgmental before I had kids, too, so I get how easy it can be to think you know best if you’re removed by years from the toddler years — or never have been a parent.

What annoyed me was I knew there were times I made a decision to bend or compromise my rules because we were in public. It was a conscious and I felt necessary choice. Sometimes it’s easier to give in rather than create a scene in front of the sister-in-law or friend you’re trying to hang out with while juggling the demands of both a toddler and an infant. Maybe it’s not the best decision, but seriously aren’t we doing the best we can — at the moment? It isn’t helpful at that moment to be judged on your parenting.

My good friend who came and stayed with me couldn’t believe how uncooperative my two-year-old son was when I was trying to get him out of his comfy PJs into clothes. “I never!” I remember hearing her say under her breath. I believe that was followed with great parenting tips from her, who wasn’t pregnant yet with her first child. What she said was correct in theory, but practicing parenting is a whole other animal.

Flash forward a few years and she apologized to me in a restaurant where her firstborn wouldn’t sit still in his high chair. “I am so sorry!” she said. “When I was criticizing you, I had no idea!”

That is truly a good friend.

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My son at age two with his “Ahhh,” a quilt made by a dear friend.

 

I know other people in my life who were critical and not very kind with their opinions and judgments. Seemingly, they had forgotten when their children threw temper tantrums on the department store floor or when their kids didn’t come straight home from school and had to be hunted down. Those days were before I had kids and I was judgemental and amazed at the lack of parenting skills — until I had my own kids that is. Then I understood that it’s best not to judge.

I haven’t forgotten how hard those years can be on parents when kids act out. Usually, it’s when children are tired, hungry or sick or in a new environment. Please remember they are not little adults who know how to act perfectly in public and can control their emotions.

Here are three things Smith writes in HuffPost to help us out:

1. Respect.

When children enter your world you have to remember that friends that haven’t taken that step have no idea what you are feeling, whether it is frustration, joy, embarrassment, elation or just desperation not to scream. When they offer an opinion it is likely coming from a good spot. And, if your friend hopes to become a parent someday, or is having trouble in that regard, be kind. They may have preconceived ideas about what would work. You very likely did.

2. Include.

As a parent it can be difficult when your friends are trying to offer advice or ‘parent’ your child. Generally they do this because they are close to you and likely want to feel included and important in your life and your child’s. Whenever possible it is important to take the opportunity to make sure friends, especially the ones who haven’t decided to have children yet, know the important role they play in your family’s life.

3. Value.

Parents need to remember that your friend was likely your friend before your child was born. That doesn’t mean they take precedence, but try not to forget them. Your new role as a dad or mom means that they may feel theirs has changed or is no longer important. Make sure you occasionally find time to let them know what they mean to you and that your life is better because they are in it.

As silly and simple as it sounds, before we were parents, we weren’t. And although it isn’t listed in many places (if any), becoming a parent will make you almost instantly a hypocrite. When maintaining friendships across this new terrain, both parties would do well to remember that.

Have you experienced friends or relatives who were judgemental about your parenting techniques? In what instances have you judged others because of the behavior of their kids?

 

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Traveling with my young kids. 

 

What are 14 things helicopter parents do?

 

 

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My kids had long days of unstructured playtime at the beach.

 

I found three interesting articles about helicopter parents today. The first from the HuffPost is called “Do You Recognize the 3 Warning Signs of a Helicopter Parent?”
The author David Wygant goes into more detail that you can read here, but the bullet points are below:

#1: Their kids can’t really leave or go anywhere without them
#2: Vacations basically don’t exist without the kids
#3: No sleepovers allowed

I can add to this list, from my own mistakes and from watching other helicopter parents. I like to think of myself as a reformed helicopter parent—or at least one who’s been grounded. Here are my warning signs to add to the previous three points:

#4: You walk your kids into their classroom and “help” them put their things away.
#5: You chat with the teacher daily about your child’s progress and what they can work on to get ahead.
#6: You never turn down an opportunity to volunteer at your children’s school.
#7: You’ve been room mom every year.
#8: You arrange playdates with kids you would like your children to become friends with.
#9: After school, you empty your child’s backpack or book bag and go through all their graded work and homework assignments without them.
#10: You supervise homework sitting down at their side.
#11: You go to every swim practice and talk to the coach every day after practice to ask how your child is doing.
#12: You have nothing to talk about with your friends except how exceptional your children are.
#13: You have a tough time listening to anyone else and often interrupt or walk away while someone else is talking.
#14: Your children don’t have any downtime in their lives and you’re always involved in everything they do.

Like I said, I honestly did not do these things. Well, at least not all of them. Here is the second parenting article I read today called “Time To Ditch the Helicopter, Parents” written by Kevin Thomas:

During orientation programs, when students and parents split into separate groups, there are often talks to Mom and Dad about letting go and the dangers of the helicopter parent. These are nice ways of saying it’s not about you.

The helicopter parent, for those new to the term, is the one who can never stay out of the kid’s life, interfering, making the most the routine choices or performing the smallest chores for the child (who is no longer a child).

When my previous offspring prepared to attend a military academy, we read posts on a parents’ Facebook page, asking how to pack for their child. These young people were going off to college to learn how to become military leaders in battle, and they couldn’t pack their own duffle bag?

Love is not coddling. It about knowing when to let go.

The last parenting article is from 2015 and reposted recently. It includes an excerpt from Julie Lythcott-Haims in her book “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.” You can read more here.

Former Stanford Dean Says Overparenting Leads To Kids Being Unprepared For College

Around the country, students are moving into college dorms for the first time. As former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, Julie Lythcott-Haims observed parents becoming increasingly involved in their children’s lives. Consequently, their kids arrived at college without some basic living skills. In response, Lythcott-Haims published the 2015 book, “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.”

Here & Now’s Meghna Chakrabarti’s revisits a conversation from August 2015 with Lythcott-Haims (@DeanJulie) about the book.

3 Parenting Tips From Julie Lythcott-Haims

Stop staying “we.” In conversation about your children, don’t refer to their work or achievements by using “we.” “We” are not on the soccer team, “we’re” not doing the science project, and “we’re” not applying to college.
Stop arguing with the adults in your children’s lives. Kids need to learn to advocate for themselves with their teachers, coaches or other school staff. They should have these conversations themselves.
Stop doing your children’s homework. The only way kids will learn is by doing their work themselves.

Have you seen parents doing things on my list? Can you add to it?

 

Letting my kids play and be kids.

I supervised from a distance, of course.