I wrote this when my daughter was 19. It’s my most read post. I am currently going through similar feelings with my daughter being annoyed with me. Maybe it’s the stress we’re all going through.
I understand how she feels. After all, I was once 19 years old. I remember it very clearly.
Everything my mom did, I found unbelievably annoying.
I’ll never forget sitting with her in the car, getting ready to shop at Bellevue Square. She had parked the car. She was fumbling through her purse, making sure she had what she needed. She reapplied her lipstick. Dug through her purse for her wallet to look through credit cards. Searched several times to check where she placed the keys.
Would we never leave the car? Would I be stuck all day? I must have said something to her quite snippy, or flat out mean. A few tears rolled down her cheeks. Which made me more upset with her.
Isn’t it a sad feeling, transitioning from a mom who could do no wrong—from changing diapers, to cooking their favorite spaghetti, to taping treasured colorings on the fridge that were made just for you—to being the person of their abject disdain?
It’s a tough new role. Let me tell you.
But, having gone through these feelings myself, I understand. I’m visiting my mom this week in her assisted living center. I talked about it with her, what I’m going through now, and what I felt like when I was 19. Fortunately, she doesn’t remember me ever being a snarky 19-year-old.
For some reason, I’ve gained more patience throughout my life and that has been a blessing. I’ve also learned forgiveness.
Something else, I’ve learned through the years of parenting: this too shall pass.
It’s called independence and freedom. We want our children to grow and become separate human beings that can stand on their own. Sometimes they need to separate from us. A good time to do that is during their senior year of high school, or their freshman year of college. It’s a good thing. I keep telling myself that.
However, we also want to be treated with respect, and once again—someday—to be cherished.
I wrote more about separating from our kids and the experiences we go through when they leave for college HERE.
What are your thoughts about adult kids being annoyed with you? Is it deserved or is it growing pains?
Do you think when people close to us are going through rough times, it’s easy for them to take it out on those closest to them?
It depends on the situation. Sometimes I do stupid things that annoy my daughter, and sometimes growing up is hard and you take it out on those closest to you.which sort of answers your second question….I know when I’m stressed I’m quicker tone angry at those closest to me…
We all do stupid things to annoy our kids from time to time. Also, yes it’s easier to let our guards down with those we love and our closest to. It easier to snap at family members than friends.
You know the ones that love you will forgive you
Yes I do. And I’ll forgive them.
I don’t think parents deserve it, but we understand that life is so stressful these days and for them venting out on one’s who will understand is easier. Hugs. Been there many times 🥰
Yes, I’ve seen both my kids strike out at me under stress. And I did the same to my mom. In the end we all love each other.
That’s the important thing to remember. 😍
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I agree with LA. The angst can be situational. My kids (which always feels and sounds weird to use that word since they are all in their 30’s) know who they are now and I think it’s different to have discussions or share POV when they are established, stable adults versus the teens and early 20’s. We also have very similar viewpoints and ways of living life so annoyances are rare even though they still occur from time to time. I am now however the mom who will confront the issue head on. We no longer avoid things now that their dad is out of the picture. They know we may disagree but that we can still respect and love each other.
It’s so different from when my daughter and son were teens. That’s a good point. As they mature those instances almost disappear. Through it all there is love.
Your second question, about it being easier to strike out at those closest…yes. I’ve always struggled with it, but I remind myself it’s because I’m probably the safest target when times are tough. I know not everything is aimed at me, but I can be a pretty good outlet and let the crapola bounce off and be ready to hug anyway. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I know that, too. You all are going through a lot. Sending love, love, love. 💕💕💕
I feel so badly about being snappy with my mom now she has passed. Yes, I can tell when I have been a target because my kids are close to me. It’s not necessary to be upset because I realize they trust me when they are stressed or upset. Thanks for all the love 💕
You bet. Mamas stick together. Keep taking care of yourself! 🥰
Will do! 😊
This too shall pass! It’s taken me a long time to understand this phrase and to have the needed patience, but it’s one of my favorite phrases now. It’s so true. I think in time we all get wiser and smarter. Like you, I said things to my mom that I regret and she couldn’t even remember them anymore.
Isn’t it a blessing our moms didn’t remember?
Exactly!!!!
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Yes, “this too shall pass!” its hard, but we do have to remind ourselves of that. And as for your last question, a BIG YES! The ones closest to us feel safe with us and if they feel safe with us then yes, we become the ones that they can take out their hurt and frustration on. Sorry that you are dealing with this now, for it is hard, when we think of how they idolized us when they were little. Mommy knew everything! LOL!
They do feel safest with us, which is a good thing. As they get older. It happens less and less and they are more empathetic to my feelings. As teens the world revolved revolved more around them. 💕
Yes, so true about the empathy getting stronger as they get older!
They care more about the feelings of people around them and less about their needs and wants first.
Exactly! A sign of maturing!
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Kids, just like adults, go through phases. Usually, I found this mean they have a lot of burdens in their own lives and they don’t know how to deal with them, so they take it out on “good old Mom.”
So true. Mom is the go to person to vent to and unburden themselves. My kids went through phases too. The older they get, the less it happens 😊
Yes, that’s the good news. They get a significant other and vent on them. LOL
Yes! How true 😅
I had a lot of conflicts with my mom almost all my growing up years. Maybe part of the reason I didn’t have children, in fact. Certainly we find it easier to be snippy with loved ones, people we’re around a lot and tend to find most annoying because of it.
I think you struck on a viewpoint I hadn’t thought of before. We are around them more, so of course they are more annoying. 👍🏼
Oh, this is so good, Elizabeth. I think we do take it out on those closest to us. We think it’ll help us irrigate that irritation and when it doesn’t, it’s even more annoying, right? Sorry for the stressful times for you all – sending love!
I like “irrigate that irritation.” It captures that feeling so well. Thanks for your love 💕
‘This too shall pass’.
That hit me like a ton of bricks
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Been there too, and I think it’s normal for kids to take their frustration out on those they love. Parents just can’t take their actions or words too seriously, but it’s not always easy. My hubby and I are so grateful to have close relationships with our daughter (32) and our son (28). We don’t always agree, but how could we? We’re family, but we’re all individuals. 🙂
I totally agree. It’s easy tp understand that they feel close enough to let their emotions out on us. Our kids are close in age — 30 and 27. It’s so wonderful to have a close relationship with them,
Wow, our kids are close in age. Yep, let’s cherish our great relationships. 🙂
Yes, we will! I wrote this post about my daughter when she was 19 and it pops up as the most read every year. I believe that most of must experience it❤️
As a childfree woman I haven’t had the experience of a daughter being annoyed with me, BUT as a daughter I remember being annoyed with my mother. I’d say it’s all growing pains, and a learning experience, and a way to know when you’ve finally grown up maybe.
Yes, I think you’re correct. It is growing pains. As we got ready to leave the nest, we prepared our parents to give us small push out the door.