This is my second most read post of all time, written in 2015.
The numbers don’t lie. ACT states that 50% of kids do not return to college for their second year, and then only 25% of those graduate in five years. US News and World Report, which ranks colleges annually, changed one of its measurements from a graduation rate of five years to six years! I don’t know about you, but I’d like to know the percentage of kids that get out in four!
I’ve given my two cents worth in Four Reasons Why Kids Fail Their Freshman Year. This time around, I asked Nicolle Walters, RN, PhD, Clinical Psychologist for her expertise. In addition to being a practicing therapist, she’s the mother of two kids in college about the same ages as mine.
Why do our kids have such a hard time once they’re away from us? They’ve worked so hard to fill their resumes with high grades, SAT scores, leadership, community service, sports, or music. Yet, these kids who look perfect on paper can’t handle the daily demands of life on their own. How much of the failure is our fault?
According to Dr. Walters, our kids aren’t prepared for college. She said, “Part of the reason is our instant gratification society. They want everything right now—and get it with technology like streaming, etc. They don’t learn self discipline. They don’t have to wait for things, like we did.”
She said, “I know it sounds contrary or strange, but kids who come from dysfunctional families and had to take care of themselves are more equipped to deal with everyday problems, compared to kids who had parents who did everything for them.”
“Also, A lot of kids don’t learn how to work hard. If you’re smart, you don’t need to work hard in high school, and then aren’t prepared for college. Our kids need skills like planning ahead and self discipline.”
Here’s another thought she had, “College is totally different. Class time is switched and it’s the opposite of what they are used to. They are used to spending eight hours in class and studying a smaller amount of hours at night. In college it’s two or three hours a day of class, but they need to study for six to eight,” Dr. Walters said.
Today on TV, I heard a Stanford expert, Julie Lythcott-Haims, talk about her book, “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.” She says we are literally ruining a generation of kids. She said it’s not just at Stanford, but in colleges throughout the country. You can read more here.
This week on SwimSwam I list the things we do for our kids that we need to stop doing. Like today.
We are smothering our kids and crippling their self development. I know this because I’m guilty of a ton of it. I’m looking back at how concerned I was with performance, how busy my kids’ lives were, and because of those two factors I jumped in and did too much for them.
Here’re are links to a couple other stories I’ve written about getting our kids ready and self-sufficient for college:
My Confessions as a Helicopter Mom
10 Things Our Kids Need to Know Before College
If we as parents are over parenting like the experts claim, then what should we do to help our kids? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Not a parent but agree that one of the biggest challenges for me when I went away to college was: “Class time is switched and it’s the opposite of what they are used to.” I remember feeling at loose ends with all the free time that I had to learn to schedule.
I agree. All through elementary through high school, bits of assignments are spoon fed. Time management becomes key in collete.
This was my most well-received topic as a workshop for parents…and faculty…navigating the ways in which everyone can work together and not at cross-purposes. You and I would’ve had fun partnering, once upon a time, Elizabeth! Great stuff! 🥰
Thank you! That would have been fun partnering with you! I saw so many kids struggle their firs year of college, including my son, because they weren’t independent. The kids with little help from parents knew it was up to them to take care of their studying, laundry, etc.
You’re right! It would’ve been BIG fun and I know your point of view…and share it!
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I can see myself as a helicopter to some degree EA, but more so when they were young. By the time they reached junior high I had stepped back because I was working again. They had to learn to be responsible for their own things, and by high school each had a job on top of all their school and other outside commitments. I’ve often wondered, had I not returned to working full time, what or how far I might have gone to make their lives easier?
What a good point. Your kids benefitted by you returning to work. They learned responsibility and how to take care of many of their needs without you. Then when they went to college they were prepared. I did way too much for my kids and it didn’t help them one bit. I learned quickly though and pulled back.
I think we can always play the “what if” game as parents! It seems to go along with all the other ways in which we are clueless 😉
I had that mindset (self-responsibility) even before working again, which I think was a holdover from my own childhood. As LA often states “parenting is hard” and I agree 🙂
Looking back, I did go back to work for three years while my kids were in high school. That probably helped them a lot! My son could drive so he was responsible to get them to school on time. After school they had swimming and homework. I agree that parenting is clueless and we all are winging it as we go along. My parents had a total hands off attitude, which I think was the norm when we were growing up.
We take their lead and help them fulfill their dreams. We teach them ethics. We give them responsibilities. We have expectations of what is responsible behavior and what isn’t and we model that behavior. We teach them that hard work and trying is expected, not being the star of anything. How’s that?
That is perfect and beautifully written. Thank you for adding so much to this post. 💕
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I’m not a parent, but I was a kid going off to college at one time. Time management was probably my biggest challenge (still is 🙂 ).
I agree with you that time management is a big skill most kids don’t learn until they’re in college. I thought with our kids’ tight schedules with swimming, etc. that they were learning it. Really, all their time was scheduled. It wasn’t until college that they had to organize their own time.
HS teacher here. I agree with you on all points. This year, I’m really trying to emphasize time management and self advocacy with my students. It’s tough though, I won’t lie. Many of my students are so busy like your kids were in high school that every minute is full. And trying to help them see the value of self advocacy….the struggle is real. 🙂
Thanks for your viewpoint as a teacher. As a parent, I was driving kids from one thing to the next, plus making sure they got their studies done. That should be figured out by the students so college isn’t such a big change.
Great post, Elizabeth! I see myself doing this and appreciate the reminder to take a step (or two) back!
Thank you, Wynne. I think you already have the balance of being in a hurry and knowing it’s easier for you to do a task versus letting your kids gain independence and learn on their own.
Not a parent, you know. I do think my parents prepared me for independence, but that may be because I had that streak in me from day one. My older brother totally failed to launch. Dropped out of college after a year, came back home, had to be kicked out by Mom when he was 26. I left for college and never went back. Got two degrees in five years (associate and bachelor).
I see my niece being raised by a mother who does everything for her. But niece is very smart and may turn out okay.
Great stuff EA … so true! And reading through the comments — where can I find this Elizabeth and Vicki symposium or conference or partnership. Ha ha, I’m pretty sure it would definitely be worth everyone’s time! Ha ha ha😎🤣😎😎
I love it! The Vicki Elizabeth symposium. 😂
Sign me up, take my $$$$. I’m in! Ha ha.
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Really interesting post. Some of the people I started uni with didn’t return or finish. Personally, I think it’s because we’re often ill prepared for it especially because high school is so vastly different. I feel like high schools need to better prepare their students not just with the workload but how to navigate themselves, take care of their mental health etc.
I totally agree with you. I read somewhere that 25% of freshman don’t return for their second year of college. The high schools could do better in preparing kids for college.
That makes a lot of sense since many people can’t handle university/college life. And many end up switching majors because they weren’t ready to pick one and they have to start all over again in a new major.
Yes. That’s exactly what happens.
Finding the right balance of helping too much or not enough when parenting is a tricky balance to keep. I tried not to hover over them but also didn’t want them to suffer unduly because they were athletes and attending college prep schools. It all worked out in the end but I have to say I enjoy watching my daughter maneuver through those same waters so to speak and I think she’s doing great. Hugs, C
It was a balance and I saw so many swim families (ours including) to do too much for their kids because of their sport and academics. I erred on doing to much. It gave me five years of material to write a sports parenting column, though! That so nice you can see how your daughter is doing a great job.